There has been a tonne of talk on social media of late about feminism, gender inequality and the sexualisation of women.
So I've been watching. Watching the action of men; of women; what people are saying and what is not being said. Watching crowds of young and old interact and watching myself to how I am responding to all of this and how I feel about it.
I was raised in a family with 5 men in it. I was taught that females don't fart or shit ( causing me great digestive problems still to this day), taught that women are to keep their legs shut at all times even wearing whilst pants in their own home. I was taught that women cleaned the house, took care of the kids, did the groceries AND worked a full time job. I was encouraged to be a lesbian until I was 21 to avoid arsehole men as if being over the age of 21 would help me with that.
My family raised me to believe that not only was I not good at sport ( because I am female derr?) but that I should play a " female" sport like netball just so I had something to do other than sit in the canteen with my mother during football season. I listened to my brothers objectify women from a very young age. I soon learned that me having big breasts was a good thing as men liked that, but I would struggle to find a boyfriend because I was overweight; " you'll bang the fatty but you wont take her home to meet the folks". I had to be careful though because my boobs aren't perky and I couldn't possibly have my " saggy tits flopping about".
Mental note: always wear a bra. I did. For years, even during sex, I hated my breasts that much that i would leave my bra on during sex for fear that it would be the turning point for the guy and he would leave in disgust.
Pornography lay about my house, openly hidden on blank tapes that I stumbled across from the age of 6. Again, I learnt that to be valued and valuable, I must be sexy. I must present myself in a way that is attractive so I can receive love. I was never taught that I am love. I was never taught that I do not need to do or be anything to deserve love- I already deserve it. Wholeheartedly.
I wished I was a boy for many years of my childhood. They had more fun than I did. They were allowed out at night, allowed to spread their legs in public, wear whatever they wanted and didn't have to worry about if their boobs were big enough for us girls to like them. They didn't wear make up, have to shave their legs or think about what their hair looked like.
* I put a caveat here as I know that men too have their challenges in adolecence and worry about their attraction levels. I'm female and can only speak for myself.
I've spent a lifetime trying to look better. To be thinner, leaner, prettier; really just more attractive, and I know I'm not the only one. The presupposition here is that I am not good enough. That deep down, the way I look will never be good enough. " If only I was more attractive, I would be worthy of love".
I believe that we teach others how to treat us. Everyday when you set boundaries or not, you create your own rule set for the way people get to behave around you. When we buy the magazines, watch the shows, talk about each other, judge each other on everything and mentally beat each other up, we are fulfilling the fucked up limits that have been set upon us.
Every time you put on make up, do your hair, spend hours in front of the mirror and even more hours fidgeting with your appearance for the sake of wanting to be more attractive, you are telling yourself that how you were born is not attractive enough. Not only that but you are telling yourself and the world that what you look like is more important than who you are.
Feminism begins in each of us, men and women. As a woman, I feel as though it is our responsibility to remember that we are already worthy of love. That what we look like needn't be as important as who we are and who we are becoming.
Stop judging yourselves and each other. We all have value, we all have a gift to give. Saying that every woman is beautiful is lovely and all but it still stipulates that somehow what we look like is important. I'm here to tell you that it's not.
Look at the current beauty standards you hold yourself too and ask yourself if you were to never see a mirror or someone else again, would you still do it? Why do you shave your pits, why do you wear make up, why do you do your hair? Your answer very well may be that you like it. That for your own self you do it and that's great.
I challenge you. Drop one beauty standard for a week or even a day. Go out without make up, grow your pits, go braless. Challenge yourself and the beauty standards.
We may not have created the standards but we sure as shit abide by them.
Go forth and become a better person irrelevant of how you look.
Peace.
