…..but I wish I didn’t. I hate how scary it is to post a partial nude picture of myself on social media when the above statement is true.
I’ve been lying to myself, for years, for decades really. I’ve
actually convinced myself that I love myself and my body, that I don’t care
about what others think about me and I am proud of my body despite it not
falling in line with societies “ideal” body.
Being someone that is confident, someone that has never
really hid my body and someone who tends to make her friends feel comfortable
about their own bodies by getting my kit off, I always assumed that I didn’t
have any body image issues.
I’m a strong advocate of loving your body. As a confidence
coach I am passionate about helping women to be comfortable in their own skin
and I firmly believe that your body should be more about function that feature.
I believe that we need to define our own sense of self worth and value
irrelevant of our bodies.
I hear many people talk about beauty standards and defining
your own. To me we are still focussed on being beautiful and not on being a
person of value. Defining your own beauty or knowing that you are “beautiful”
just the way you are, is still placing an enormous amount of value on what we
look like, but I digress.
Writing now, I feel like I could spruik for a thousand years
on how who you are and what you bring to the world should have far greater
value than how you look. I’m angry at the media and social norms for teaching
us that we need to be something that we are not and I disagree vehemently with
the idea ( and delivery) of the objectification of women in the media.
I’m pissed because I believe in fucking it all off and
rocking out to your own rhythm. I believe that everyone and every body has the
right to feel attractive, worth while, sexy and valuable. I believe in all of
this, I believe desperately in loving your self not matter what you look like.
Except I don’t. * Sigh* I don’t. I know all the above rant
to be true or at least I wish it was. It’s complicated because I know it to be
true yet I still hate my body. Deep down I hate it. I convince myself that I am
proud of it but if I am brutally honest with myself, I think it’s shit.
I think it should look different in almost every way. It
should be lighter, it should have less fat, a lot less. It should be shorter
but not too short, it shouldn’t have wide thighs or a round, squishy stomach.
It needs to have a gap between it’s thighs. It should keep the large breasts that I adorn yet
they should be firm and perky, not soft and tear dropped. My curves can stay
yet they should really be more defined, I should have a slimmer waist and a
firmer ass. My arms need toning because the tuck shop lady floppy bits are
really not ok. My skin should be clearer. My teeth need to be whiter and
straighter. My feet are too big, I have too much hair on my body in some places
and it’s not thick enough in others. My eyes should be brighter, my nails more
shapely. I should have less visible veins and more prominent features. Blurch!!!!
Absurd isn’t it? My veins are too big? What the actual fuck?
Insanely enough, I could keep going.
If you’re exhausted by reading this, then know that I am
too. For many of you, you probably have an even more extensive list.
I’ve been lying to myself. I do honestly believe that loving
myself as I am is my given right and if we go a litter deeper we might even
find that I do love my body (Ahh yes, all the contradictions!). You see I have
no problem getting nude, in fact I think it’s awesome. I have no issues in sharing
my curves and accentuating my shape. When I think about my body outside of the
messed up messages and imagery I have received over my life, I actually think I’m
pretty hot.
Here comes the but. I have realised that I feel ashamed for
loving my body. I feel that being over weight means that I have no right to be comfortable
in my own skin. Even when I’ve been lighter I have never thought it was ok to
feel sexy or attractive or more importantly, of value. I’ve been brainwashed to
believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with me; that I need to
change myself somehow in order to get that little bit closer to perfection. I’ve
been lied to that loving myself is not ok, nor should it be. In order to be
accepted I must dislike my body and even better if I hate it and myself to
boot.
It’s socially acceptable to talk about the bits we hate
about ourselves, I have always been seen as a weirdo for accepting my body. I
should be ashamed of my body, particularly if I am overweight. How dare I exercise
regularly, drink plenty of water and eat good food most of the time, be
overweight and be ok with that.
No matter what we look like we are taught to hate our bodies
by the messaging splashed all over society. Everywhere you turn there is
someone telling you to shape this, change that, enhance that, tone this down,
get fitter, lose weight, be taller, improve this etc. What it’s ALL saying is
that you are somehow not good enough the way you are and by buying (or buying
into) the next big thing, then maybe you will be good enough, but unlikely.
I still struggle with this, being aware of it is only the beginning
of the journey. I do love my body, coming to terms with the fact that the world
thinks I should be ashamed of it is where my journey continues. Clearly I care
more about what the world thinks of me that I have previously been ok to admit.
So here I am, just me and maybe what I really mean to say is; I care what others
think of me and I wish I didn’t. I'm hoping this helps.
