Comfort is a leading reason why are so many of us are dissatisfied in life and with who we are. Comfort is disabling and is the quickest way to being miserable.
We all love comfort right? Our favourite pair of tracksuit pants, a secure relationship or job or maybe a warm home cooked meal on a cold winters day. All these things are great and in fact certainty/comfort is one of the 6 core needs of a human. For some people it's their number one driver and again that's great. Our need for certainty and comfort can be met either resourcefully or unresourcefully and it's when it met in an unresourceful way that we become unhappy.
Think about it. Have you ever stayed in a relationship, friendship or even a job, simply because you know it's there? You know that you will have a pay check coming in, you know you will have someone to go out with and someone to come home too even though you also know how much more you have to give and how much more you deserve? Many relationships stay together simply because the thought of having to start all over again seems too hard and they would prefer to settle then to have a truly beautiful relationship.
This is what I call the Killer Comfort Zone. That place where the thought of change is too painful. The place where most people find themselves settling for a life less ordinary. The Zone of unmet expectations and unfulfilled dreams. The ultimate killer of confidence is comfort. For when we stay in our comfort zone we never truly know what we are made of, sure it's safe and warm and so very comfy, but what are we learning there, how are we growing if we never stretch ourselves?
I want you to visualize a time where your confidence was soaring. What did it look like? What sounds did you hear? How did you feel? What were the events that led to this confidence? More often than not confidence comes from stretching yourself, from stepping out of the comfort zone and giving something a go even if you don't quite get the result you wanted, aren't you proud of yourself for giving it a shot. Remember those times when you have stood up, stepped out and it's paid off? How amazing did you feel? Can you recall a time when you worked really hard at accomplishing something and really stretched yourself and ended up with a great result?
These are the times where our confidence is built. In moments when you don't think you can, when all you want to do is stay safe in the Killer Comfort Zone because you know exactly what it's like there and instead you choose to accept the challenge of life. You choose to feel the fear and act anyway because deep down you know that if you stay comfortable, you stay safe and isn't it true that life begins at the end of your comfort zone?
So if you want to have a happier and more fulfilled life where you love who you are and feel great about yourself, you need to step out of the zone. Staying safe gets you the same results you have always gotten, nothing can ever change if you don't. In order to change your results you must change the way you are and the quickest way to do that is to take action. You don't need to take massive action or take a giant leap out of your comfort zone, in fact for many of you that would be detrimental because too far out of the zone will be overwhelming and the safety of the comfort zone becomes even more appealing. Take "you" sized steps. Perhaps it's trying a new hobby, wearing a different item of clothing or perhaps going on that date you have been meaning too. The ultimate way to feed your need for comfort is by backing yourself, trusting in you and your abilities.
Whatever you do, get out of your comfort zone every day, get practising and see how fast and effective it is for building your confidence. Keep showing up, keep stretching yourself, for in the words of the founder of McDonald's, Ray Kroc says
" You are either green and growing or ripe and rotting"
Stay green everyone.
Join the community of like minded people by clicking the right hand side that says join. Share your thoughts for the benefit of all the readers of The Confidence Coach, we would love to hear your story. Visit us at www.moreconfidence.com.au and like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/moreconfidence
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Friday, 19 August 2011
If you stand for nothing you will fall for anything
Hello again wonderful readers,
After hearing about a friend of mine being spoken to extremely poorly and about a topic that made my blood boil, I got to thinking. I started thinking about how we treat others, how we allow others to treat us and more importantly what effect do these two things have on our self worth and esteem.
Looking back at a much younger version of myself than I am now, I distinctly remember certain events that really shaped who I am today and really forced me to make some decisions around what kind of person I was going to become. Events such as waking up in a strangers bed, accepting being spoken to in a derogatory way, believing rumors or even stepping back when I knew deep inside myself that I wanted to stand up and speak my mind.
For those of you who know me, keeping quiet isn't something I do all that well and for those of you that don't know me, I'm sure you can tell by these blogs, that I have something to say. Sure, I have mostly been the loud one and the one that is more likely to stand her ground, however I must say there has been many times in my life where I have kept silent about things that truly needed to be said. In those moments where I didn't stand up and when I kept quiet, those were the times that hurt the most. It wasn't so much what was said, rather it was what was NOT said by me that really hurt.
So what pushes your hot button? What gets you fired up? Can you think of a time or several times when one of those buttons have been pushed and you haven't done a thing about it? You go home and cry or get angry at your loved ones or perhaps beat yourself up because you could have said something really cool- but you didn't. In those moments, what did you teach yourself about you? What did you teach that other person about you? What standards did you lower yourself too?
A low self worth comes when we don't value ourselves, when we don't have boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not. I remember Dr Phil talking about " deal breakers" in a relationship, certain things that would automatically end a romantic relationship for you. It could be cheating, smoking, abuse or not making the bed. Whatever boundaries you have set are what determines your relationships. Most people haven't clearly decided their boundaries and it's only when that feeling in the pit of your stomach comes that you realise that a boundary has been crossed and more often than not nothing is said.
When the boundaries of your values are unclear then you are teaching people that they can do pretty much whatever they want to you. If you don't know what's acceptable or not then how are others meant to. More importantly than this, if you notice that someone has crossed the line with you and you say nothing, you are teaching them that that very thing is ok to do, so they'll do it time and time again. The more silence you keep then the more you are telling yourself that what you stand for is worthless and your self worth will go down, along with your confidence and self esteem.
So, I encourage you to find your hot buttons on your own and not wait till their pushed by someone else and you become reactionary rather than responsive. Reaction is behaviour because of them and responding is according to you. For eg.
Someone pushes in front of you in a line at the supermarket.
This annoys you.
You could do one of 3 things.
1.) Stay silent and fume about it when you get home- passive reaction
2.)Yell and scream about it to the person causing a confrontation that still ends in anger- aggressive reaction
3.)Politely inform the person that you were there first and show them where the back of the line is- Assertive response.
Number one in this example will lead to a lowered self esteem because you wish you would have said something. Number two will give a similar result because you had wished that you handled it better and felt that you embarrassed yourself by overreacting. Number 3 on the other hand will have you standing tall. Not only did you say what every other person in the line wished they had said, you did it in a controlled, polite and assertive fashion that means that you just became your own hero along with everyone elses without degrading the person who pushed in. It's win win for all.
So write a list of what's acceptable and whats not in your life. What are some things that just are not ok to you? What are the things that you will not put up with? Knowing what your boundaries are, is empowering. It enables you to stand tall and gather reference points of success when you have proved to yourself that you can stand your ground. Be assertive, avoid aggression because this is reactionary and will only lead to feeling poorly about yourself.
Confidence is so much more than loving your body, it's also about valuing yourself, when you have clearly defined values and you stand for them, you will always feel 10 ft tall and fabulous!
Happy standing everyone!
Feel free to add your email address to the top right hand side of the page to follow The Confidence Coach's blog and check out our new Facebook page at www.facebook.com/moreconfidence and our website for your free CD on confidence www.moreconfidence.com.au
After hearing about a friend of mine being spoken to extremely poorly and about a topic that made my blood boil, I got to thinking. I started thinking about how we treat others, how we allow others to treat us and more importantly what effect do these two things have on our self worth and esteem.
Looking back at a much younger version of myself than I am now, I distinctly remember certain events that really shaped who I am today and really forced me to make some decisions around what kind of person I was going to become. Events such as waking up in a strangers bed, accepting being spoken to in a derogatory way, believing rumors or even stepping back when I knew deep inside myself that I wanted to stand up and speak my mind.
For those of you who know me, keeping quiet isn't something I do all that well and for those of you that don't know me, I'm sure you can tell by these blogs, that I have something to say. Sure, I have mostly been the loud one and the one that is more likely to stand her ground, however I must say there has been many times in my life where I have kept silent about things that truly needed to be said. In those moments where I didn't stand up and when I kept quiet, those were the times that hurt the most. It wasn't so much what was said, rather it was what was NOT said by me that really hurt.
So what pushes your hot button? What gets you fired up? Can you think of a time or several times when one of those buttons have been pushed and you haven't done a thing about it? You go home and cry or get angry at your loved ones or perhaps beat yourself up because you could have said something really cool- but you didn't. In those moments, what did you teach yourself about you? What did you teach that other person about you? What standards did you lower yourself too?
A low self worth comes when we don't value ourselves, when we don't have boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not. I remember Dr Phil talking about " deal breakers" in a relationship, certain things that would automatically end a romantic relationship for you. It could be cheating, smoking, abuse or not making the bed. Whatever boundaries you have set are what determines your relationships. Most people haven't clearly decided their boundaries and it's only when that feeling in the pit of your stomach comes that you realise that a boundary has been crossed and more often than not nothing is said.
When the boundaries of your values are unclear then you are teaching people that they can do pretty much whatever they want to you. If you don't know what's acceptable or not then how are others meant to. More importantly than this, if you notice that someone has crossed the line with you and you say nothing, you are teaching them that that very thing is ok to do, so they'll do it time and time again. The more silence you keep then the more you are telling yourself that what you stand for is worthless and your self worth will go down, along with your confidence and self esteem.
So, I encourage you to find your hot buttons on your own and not wait till their pushed by someone else and you become reactionary rather than responsive. Reaction is behaviour because of them and responding is according to you. For eg.
Someone pushes in front of you in a line at the supermarket.
This annoys you.
You could do one of 3 things.
1.) Stay silent and fume about it when you get home- passive reaction
2.)Yell and scream about it to the person causing a confrontation that still ends in anger- aggressive reaction
3.)Politely inform the person that you were there first and show them where the back of the line is- Assertive response.
Number one in this example will lead to a lowered self esteem because you wish you would have said something. Number two will give a similar result because you had wished that you handled it better and felt that you embarrassed yourself by overreacting. Number 3 on the other hand will have you standing tall. Not only did you say what every other person in the line wished they had said, you did it in a controlled, polite and assertive fashion that means that you just became your own hero along with everyone elses without degrading the person who pushed in. It's win win for all.
So write a list of what's acceptable and whats not in your life. What are some things that just are not ok to you? What are the things that you will not put up with? Knowing what your boundaries are, is empowering. It enables you to stand tall and gather reference points of success when you have proved to yourself that you can stand your ground. Be assertive, avoid aggression because this is reactionary and will only lead to feeling poorly about yourself.
Confidence is so much more than loving your body, it's also about valuing yourself, when you have clearly defined values and you stand for them, you will always feel 10 ft tall and fabulous!
Happy standing everyone!
Feel free to add your email address to the top right hand side of the page to follow The Confidence Coach's blog and check out our new Facebook page at www.facebook.com/moreconfidence and our website for your free CD on confidence www.moreconfidence.com.au
Friday, 12 August 2011
Is dying your hair and using make up in the same ball park as plastic surgery?
A conversation I had last week with a mother of a teenage daughter shocked me when I found out that teenage girls as young as 12 from "elite" schools were having plastic surgery performed to fix their imperfections. This sparked a lot of thought within me, these girls before even reaching maturity are getting nose jobs, removing freckles and trying to remove stretch marks before they've even had a chance to fade. Their bodies are in a peak of growth and development and their true shapes haven't even been formed yet. What on earth is compelling these young girls to go to such extremes? More importantly, do they see it as extreme?
The last decade has brought a whole new meaning to the illusion of perfection with plastic surgery and " cosmetic treatments" becoming something that is not only affordable to the masses but also acceptable to many. The so called role models of the world proudly boast their new boobs, chin or nose. Once upon a time getting work done was taboo however now in many circles, (particularly wealthy and famous ones) one could be ostracised for not having work done, as though just letting yourself grow and age naturally is actually offensive.
If you can look back and remember your adolescence and see how much your body was changing, feel all the hormones moving inside of you and causing you to make some interesting new choices and hear all the pressure that your social circles put on one another, no wonder we were confused, not much made sense in those years.
For me, those years were well over a decade ago and I am trying to picture what it is now like to be a teenage girl in a world that seems to be driven by even more perfection. Young girls seem to be getting older at a younger age. Mobile phones, Facebook accounts, fashion, accessories and makeup are being used by girls at a very young age.
I have seen girls as young as 8 in full faces of make up and even further than that, there are beauty pageants for little girls and even babies where they have spray tans, false teeth, full faces of make up and hair pieces all in the name of " beauty"
So my question is where is the line? Where is the line in the sand that separates a woman wearing make up or dying her hair and getting cosmetic surgery. Is wearing make up just as false as getting a face lift? Is dying your hair the same as removing your freckles?
To me it comes down to what is happening inside.If a woman is searching to love herself by means of external factors such as make up, hair dye and plastic surgery then there is some soul searching that needs to take place, to find what's really missing. Every cosmetic procedure that's gets done as a way to make a woman feel better is only ever temporary if the cause of her low self esteem is never addressed. We are teaching our daughters that perfection is something to strive for, that air brushed can be obtained as we walk down the street. Isn't it time that all our beautiful imperfections that make us all perfect are on display for each other to see? If I accept my freckles, then you can accept yours.
As a woman getting all "dolled" up with a face of make up can be fun, like playing dress ups as a kid. Dying my hair is a way to express my creativity and try on a different look to see how it makes me feel. I believe that a woman should be able to stand natural and love the skin we are in, no make up , no hair dye, no hair removal, no waist controlling knickers, no manicures or pedicures and still say " yes! I am beautiful."
So for the sake of the beautiful women that you have in your life, tell yourself how beautiful YOU are because that gives permission for them to do the same.
Share the love ladies and spread the word. You can follow this blog by clicking on the right hand side of the page that says " join this site" and please share this to as many beautiful women and young women as you know, they deserve to feel beautiful today and every other day too.
You are beautiful whole and complete just the way you are!
The last decade has brought a whole new meaning to the illusion of perfection with plastic surgery and " cosmetic treatments" becoming something that is not only affordable to the masses but also acceptable to many. The so called role models of the world proudly boast their new boobs, chin or nose. Once upon a time getting work done was taboo however now in many circles, (particularly wealthy and famous ones) one could be ostracised for not having work done, as though just letting yourself grow and age naturally is actually offensive.
If you can look back and remember your adolescence and see how much your body was changing, feel all the hormones moving inside of you and causing you to make some interesting new choices and hear all the pressure that your social circles put on one another, no wonder we were confused, not much made sense in those years.
For me, those years were well over a decade ago and I am trying to picture what it is now like to be a teenage girl in a world that seems to be driven by even more perfection. Young girls seem to be getting older at a younger age. Mobile phones, Facebook accounts, fashion, accessories and makeup are being used by girls at a very young age.
I have seen girls as young as 8 in full faces of make up and even further than that, there are beauty pageants for little girls and even babies where they have spray tans, false teeth, full faces of make up and hair pieces all in the name of " beauty"
So my question is where is the line? Where is the line in the sand that separates a woman wearing make up or dying her hair and getting cosmetic surgery. Is wearing make up just as false as getting a face lift? Is dying your hair the same as removing your freckles?
To me it comes down to what is happening inside.If a woman is searching to love herself by means of external factors such as make up, hair dye and plastic surgery then there is some soul searching that needs to take place, to find what's really missing. Every cosmetic procedure that's gets done as a way to make a woman feel better is only ever temporary if the cause of her low self esteem is never addressed. We are teaching our daughters that perfection is something to strive for, that air brushed can be obtained as we walk down the street. Isn't it time that all our beautiful imperfections that make us all perfect are on display for each other to see? If I accept my freckles, then you can accept yours.
As a woman getting all "dolled" up with a face of make up can be fun, like playing dress ups as a kid. Dying my hair is a way to express my creativity and try on a different look to see how it makes me feel. I believe that a woman should be able to stand natural and love the skin we are in, no make up , no hair dye, no hair removal, no waist controlling knickers, no manicures or pedicures and still say " yes! I am beautiful."
So for the sake of the beautiful women that you have in your life, tell yourself how beautiful YOU are because that gives permission for them to do the same.
Share the love ladies and spread the word. You can follow this blog by clicking on the right hand side of the page that says " join this site" and please share this to as many beautiful women and young women as you know, they deserve to feel beautiful today and every other day too.
You are beautiful whole and complete just the way you are!
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