Confidence and the top 5 mistakes people make when trying to get it.

So what is confidence?

Over the last week, I have challenged members of the Facebook public on their views surrounding the confidence of celebrities, namely Lady Gaga.

What I have discovered is that many people feel strongly about what it takes to just be yourself and weather or not the likes of Lady Gaga is truly her or a front to overcome her years of torment and bullying through school. People have stated that it doesn't matter what you do to feel confident as long as you love yourself. Others have disagreed, stating that "over confidence" is simply to mask the underlying fear of not knowing who you are or not feeling exactly comfortable with that.

Many people use masks, true. We don't always feel amazing every day when we show up to work or an event, yet we act as if everything is fine. Someone might ask us how we are and we will reply with "fine" or even "good thanks". Our everyday society allows for this, we don't really want to know how people are feeling most of the time, because often we are wearing a mask ourselves. People who lack in confidence do this as well, so is it a confidence mask or simply a polite mask?

So when does the mask of confidence become a lie? Is faking it till you make a sustainable way of survival?

My short answer is no. I once believed that faking it until you made it was  a great way to become confident and self assured. Unfortunately after years of faking it, no strategies or development was done in order to convert that falsity into actual confidence. If you were to fake being a pilot for 5 years and knew exactly what you were meant to say and do to appear like a pilot, would you then be able to fly a plane? No. The knowledge, practice and systems have not been taught, leaving you feeling like a fraud and in fact you would be.

To be a truly confident individual we must work the muscle. We all have confidence within us, it is there and we can access it, most of us simply don't know how to. Ever done a workout or taken part of an obscure activity causing you to use different muscles? Afterwards you swear that you have hurt in places that you never knew existed? That's right, we all have "muscles" that we don't know exist and it's not until we work them that it becomes apparent that we have them.

So if everyone already has confidence within them then why do so many people sit at home on the weekend eating popcorn and wishing that somehow they were different? Here are the top 5 mistakes people make when trying to build confidence.

1.) Giving up to easily
           Just like those new muscles being worked, when you first start it can be uncomfortable, overwhelming or even frightneing. Many people see these as "signs" that maybe they aren't good enough or they shouldn't go for it and they give up. Persistence in the face of fear will get you past it and beyond it. You do not know what you are truly made of until you are pushed. Push Yourself!!

2.) Faking it for too long
         Using "dutch" courage or other methods to fake your confidence can work and does work for a lot of people. It is not sustainable. If you use alcohol to feel good about yourself , then aren't you really telling yourself that you need to be someone else to be liked by not only everyone else but more importantly yourself? That who you are without it isn't good enough? Imagine how quiet a nightclub would be if no one was drinking? Imagine how many people would love to be up on that dance floor but feel as though they can't until they have an excuse? Being the one who throws their inhibition out the window without the alcohol and gets dancing will liberate others to do the same. Be the change you wish to see.

3.) Relying on others
        Many people base their self esteem and worth on what other people think of them. They rely soley on their feedback from others and because it's impossible to satisfy everyone, they constantly change who they are to accomodate whoever they are with. We all put on different hats in different situations, as every part of us is not always appropriate. Telling your boss your most intimate sexual desires may not be what he needs to know. It does not mean that you are hiding it, it simply means that you choose which parts of you, you wish to share. Ladies with low self esteem often fall into the trap of seeking male attention to boost their confidence, only to wake up the next day feeling worse. Respect yourself and others will too.

4.) Going overboard
        People see confidence in others and try to model it and that's a great method. Where they go wrong is going over board. They become so in your face that every body knows it a mask and the person becomes disliked by those around them, then staying true to mistake no. 3, they rely on others and end up feeling awful about themselves even more. They can be seen as super arrogant, up themselves or a real bitch.

5.) Assumption
      I often get asked why some people were born with confidence whilst others weren't. As if it was genetically decided that way, like why do some people have green eyes and other blue. Confidence comes with practice. It's not given to you one day and all of a sudden you are confident. It takes willingness to learn and stretch your comfort zone, persistence and most of all a huge "why". Why do you want confidence? Is it because you know you have so much potential inside you and you just wish you could get it out? You know how much you have to give, but your shyness keeps you stuck. Once you have a big enough why, the how will look after itself.

You don't all of a sudden "get" confidence. You build it through giving it a shot, by putting yourself out there and challenging what you already know.

Be sure to get involved in my Facebook conversations and check out my website too.

I'll be back next week with " You are the master- 7 ways to build confidence"

moreconfidence.com.au