Hello again wonderful readers,
After hearing about a friend of mine being spoken to extremely poorly and about a topic that made my blood boil, I got to thinking. I started thinking about how we treat others, how we allow others to treat us and more importantly what effect do these two things have on our self worth and esteem.
Looking back at a much younger version of myself than I am now, I distinctly remember certain events that really shaped who I am today and really forced me to make some decisions around what kind of person I was going to become. Events such as waking up in a strangers bed, accepting being spoken to in a derogatory way, believing rumors or even stepping back when I knew deep inside myself that I wanted to stand up and speak my mind.
For those of you who know me, keeping quiet isn't something I do all that well and for those of you that don't know me, I'm sure you can tell by these blogs, that I have something to say. Sure, I have mostly been the loud one and the one that is more likely to stand her ground, however I must say there has been many times in my life where I have kept silent about things that truly needed to be said. In those moments where I didn't stand up and when I kept quiet, those were the times that hurt the most. It wasn't so much what was said, rather it was what was NOT said by me that really hurt.
So what pushes your hot button? What gets you fired up? Can you think of a time or several times when one of those buttons have been pushed and you haven't done a thing about it? You go home and cry or get angry at your loved ones or perhaps beat yourself up because you could have said something really cool- but you didn't. In those moments, what did you teach yourself about you? What did you teach that other person about you? What standards did you lower yourself too?
A low self worth comes when we don't value ourselves, when we don't have boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not. I remember Dr Phil talking about " deal breakers" in a relationship, certain things that would automatically end a romantic relationship for you. It could be cheating, smoking, abuse or not making the bed. Whatever boundaries you have set are what determines your relationships. Most people haven't clearly decided their boundaries and it's only when that feeling in the pit of your stomach comes that you realise that a boundary has been crossed and more often than not nothing is said.
When the boundaries of your values are unclear then you are teaching people that they can do pretty much whatever they want to you. If you don't know what's acceptable or not then how are others meant to. More importantly than this, if you notice that someone has crossed the line with you and you say nothing, you are teaching them that that very thing is ok to do, so they'll do it time and time again. The more silence you keep then the more you are telling yourself that what you stand for is worthless and your self worth will go down, along with your confidence and self esteem.
So, I encourage you to find your hot buttons on your own and not wait till their pushed by someone else and you become reactionary rather than responsive. Reaction is behaviour because of them and responding is according to you. For eg.
Someone pushes in front of you in a line at the supermarket.
This annoys you.
You could do one of 3 things.
1.) Stay silent and fume about it when you get home- passive reaction
2.)Yell and scream about it to the person causing a confrontation that still ends in anger- aggressive reaction
3.)Politely inform the person that you were there first and show them where the back of the line is- Assertive response.
Number one in this example will lead to a lowered self esteem because you wish you would have said something. Number two will give a similar result because you had wished that you handled it better and felt that you embarrassed yourself by overreacting. Number 3 on the other hand will have you standing tall. Not only did you say what every other person in the line wished they had said, you did it in a controlled, polite and assertive fashion that means that you just became your own hero along with everyone elses without degrading the person who pushed in. It's win win for all.
So write a list of what's acceptable and whats not in your life. What are some things that just are not ok to you? What are the things that you will not put up with? Knowing what your boundaries are, is empowering. It enables you to stand tall and gather reference points of success when you have proved to yourself that you can stand your ground. Be assertive, avoid aggression because this is reactionary and will only lead to feeling poorly about yourself.
Confidence is so much more than loving your body, it's also about valuing yourself, when you have clearly defined values and you stand for them, you will always feel 10 ft tall and fabulous!
Happy standing everyone!
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4 comments:
Yet another great blog katie. You have always been a very vocal person something I admired when I was younger. Me on the other hand, used to let people walk all over me. I say "used to" because watch out world. I am one fiery bitch if you disrespect me. Ha Ha. (Just ask some of the poor men at work that have dealt with the wrath of a peeved off stripper) I'm a pretty relaxed person 97% of the time but I will NOT tolerate disrespect to anyone, especially females. I will stand up for anyone who is being treated unfairly. Even if I don't know them. I know what its like to be treated like dirt and its not a good feeling so I am will speak up loudly and proudly for the "underdog"
I have my husband to thank for this. He has taught me (through his love and tenderness) that I am a strong person and no one can hurt me any more.
As for the supermarket question. I would tell the person politely.
Looking forward to the next blog.
I love your work Emma. I'm curious as to what a difference it has made to your self esteem when you started standing up for yourself?
There have been many times in my life when I have failed to stand up for myself. Interesting I've found it easier to stand up for others. I stand by members of my team. I stand by my friends. I stand utterly and unshakably by my kids. And I have finally reached a point in my life where I stand up for myself. I no longer tolerate bullies. I no longer tolerate disrespect for myself or anyone. I finally get that it's better to not be liked than to be used or abused - hey, I'm a slow learner. Do I always get it right? No. does it matter. Absolutely not. The point is I'm willing to take the risk. I can't change someone else's behaviour but I definitely can change my response to theirs. As for the supermarket. I have a different take. Sometimes there is a fleeting sense of annoyance but mostly my response is 'isn't that curious'. I wonder how come they believe they have the right or need to be at the front of the line? Sometimes I have to count to ten but at the end of the day it generally means I might be in the queue an extra 2 or 3 minutes. There are bigger battles to fight. Mind you there has been the occasion when I have stepped up and claimed my spot. When I've said to myself enough is enough. When it matters speak up. It's up to each of us as individuals to work out when it matters.
Nice one Katie, we definitely need more example #3's in the world.
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