Merry Fuctmas- For those that struggle this time of year.

As the media and society tells us, Christmas is a joyful time of year. It is a time when you celebrate your life, family, friends and the year gone by. It is a time to share the gift of giving and join together in joyous moments.

As I approach the final days of 2016, joining in on the festivities in a small way, attending Christmas parties, visiting family and looking forward to bringing in the New Year, I am struck by sadness.

For the last month this underlying feeling of missing out and personal inadequacy has set in as I’ve watched what feels like the rest of the world, hang up their worries, pick up a champagne glass and immerse themselves in frivolity with close friends and family or even work mates.

I watch their social media explode with connection, laughter, reminiscence and happiness. I see families coming together and people sharing love for one another. I speak to people who begrudges but secretly loves the fact that their Mum “ makes” them head out of town to go sit with their extended family on Christmas day or the pressure of buying the “ right” gift.

This creeping feeling has swept in quietly, unbeknownst to me at first. It trickled in so quietly that the noise of “busyness” has kept it at bay, but ever it grows in the background. Mostly, it has reared its head as resentment, niggling crankiness that I interpreted as fatigue from a busy year. At times it has masked itself as comparison, measuring myself and my achievements up against the reality I perceive of others lives.

In some moments it has even reared its head as self hate, as the resentment and comparison accumulated I resorted to old abandoned ways of thinking and the self blame game begun.

It has manifested in many different ways and as life tends to get in the way, I’ve tried my best to stay on top of it. I upped my meditation practice, I trained more at the gym, I’ve socialised, got more sunshine, practice mindfulness and increased my yoga. All of this helped, a lot. It has kept me centred and grounded yet this feeling persisted.

Unable to name it for so long yet here it is. Grief. The feeling of loss; the feeling of disconnection; the distinct feeling like something is missing in our lives. This niggly feeling is that of grief, a concept that I have been intimate with many times over yet I still did not know its name.

This time of year is not joyous for many of us, in fact it can be riddled with pain and suffering.

 For me it is a time that reminds me of everything I have lost. It reminds me of a family that was once united and now segmented. It reminds me of the person that I no longer get to share a piece of Pavlova with on Christmas Day let alone any other day. This time of year is not one of celebration for me but one of pain.

I have learnt to love my path, to sit with the emotions that come to me at this difficult time. I am grateful for the people that I am blessed to have in my life.  I am thrilled for the connections that I have created and the sit with peace knowing that many people out there are in pain with me. Not to sit and wallow in it but to know that I am not alone.

So if the office Christmas party feels like a struggled and this time of year gets you down, you are not alone. 

If it brings up pain for you, I encourage you to sit with it. Your grief does not need explaining or changing, it needs space. It needs the acknowledgement that its presence is necessary and that it has a divine purpose that enables you to heal.

Be ok with not being ok and cherish yourself in this difficult time. Forcing yourself to get involved may seem like a good thing as “ it’s Christmas after all!” but I implore you to listen to yourself, you know what is needed for you to heal, so trust that.

May you find a place of self love and acceptance at this time of year and always.

Katie Nicole