It was 2007 and I was sure that I had made it. I had been
through 6 months of auditions, psych tests and hoops, I had signed the
contracts and done all the promo videos all the while being advised that this
did NOT mean that I would be successful.
But damn! I knew I was close. I was focusing all my
attention on getting there and I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything
before. I wrote affirmations for hours a day until I filled an entire notebook
and then some. I visualised it, meditated on it, made it my every waking
thought!
There was a burning desire in me to prove everybody wrong,
to prove myself wrong if I’m really being honest. I knew I was destined for
great things, I could feel that little voice deep inside my heart that told me
I was worthy but nothing I did could make me believe it.
I thought this might do it, if I could just get my face out
there, then everyone would know my name and my path to success and fame would
have begun. I would show the world, my haters and myself that I was worthy.
It was always like that, pleasing others. Proving my worth
externally. Through sex, a loud personality, martyrdom or self-deprecation (to
name a few), I buried my true feeling for the approval of others.
4 days out from Big Brothers opening show and I had to face
the facts. I had not made it. If I had, I would already be in lockdown. I was
gutted, I had put so much time and effort and all of my heart and soul into
this and here I was, lost; again!
Again, I had to look at myself and realise that I wasn’t
good enough. I watched the opening show and cried (truth: balled!). I had so
much of my identity tied up in what others thought and it seemed that maybe
they were right after all.
I was contractually obliged to stay in the country for the duration
of the show as they could call me with 24 hours’ notice to enter the house as
an intruder. I was stuck in my home town watching other people live out my
dream.
In those three months I came to realise just how much emphasis
I had put on what others thought of me. I had been playing life by other people’s
rules, standards and expectation. I was the girl that everyone expected me to
be. I had created a persona of a loud party animal, helper at any cost and I realised
just how lost I had become. I had no idea who I was anymore.
I never did make it in as an intruder or housemate and out of the 27 people who
went in that year; I was in the top 30. Close but no such cigar. So the journey
to self-love truly began.
My contract had expired and I was free to leave the country,
so I took myself to Europe; for 2 years. I left behind all the expectations,
the versions of myself that I no longer knew or liked and set a course to find
out who I was.
Things got much worse before they got any better but what I learnt
in the coming 2 years and subsequently the following decade was how to set my
own rules. I learnt how to create a life that I truly wanted to live in a way
that meant that I was being true to myself.
I learnt tools, strategies and techniques that allow me now
to be the truest version of myself free from the fear of other people’s
opinions. I have learnt how to tame the negative self-talk so that it’s default
position is one of support and love.
I carved out a path for myself with a lot of mistakes,
hardships and turmoil; one that very well would have been easier had I sought
help sooner.
Finding yourself and getting your confidence back needn’t
take you ten years but if it does, it’s still a worthwhile journey.
Here is to your self-love, may it ever grow deeper and stronger.
" In a world that profits from your self hate, self love is an act of rebellion"
Katie Nicole
P.S Join me live on Facebook this Wednesday the 19th
April ’17 to set your course to confidence and stop feeling so lost. Check the
event out here.
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