As a child, I learnt that if you couldn’t do something right
the first time, then there was no point doing it at all. As Homer says to Bart
in an episode of the Simpsons after a failed attempt at a goal
“What’s the lesson
here boy? Never try”.
So I did just that, I stopped trying. If I knew that I could
do it and be relatively successful at it, then I would give it a go. Things
like peer support programs in school, drama and public speaking; I knew that I
had a natural propensity towards these things so I did them more. I would
confidently conquer activities and “challenges” that weren’t really a stretch
for me.
I vehemently avoided things I wasn’t great at, for fear of
looking stupid and failing. Even things that I really wanted to do like ice
skating, I avoided so I didn’t have to fall and make a fool of myself.
It became an identity belief, the act of failing was not
simply a behaviour but was a personality trait; a part of who I was. Failing =
being a failure.
I trudged along like this for years, wondering why I felt so
unfulfilled. To the outside world I was at times outrageous; skydiving,
travelling the world alone, pursuing reality TV shows, moving interstate and
talking easily to strangers. I displayed many characteristics of someone who
was “out there” but the truth was that it was all within a comfort level I
could handle.
The outcomes were predictable; they were open ended so that
failure was not so obvious. These experiences rarely put me at risk of being a
failure and as a result I was able to avoid what I really wanted to go after in
life. I didn’t have to face the stark reality that I might not be good enough for
what I really wanted.
Cue 2011; I fell in love with coaching and personal
development. I began to learn that there is no failure only feedback, that if
it (whatever it was) easy then everyone would be doing it, that you must fall
down in order to learn how to get back up. These were all great sayings and
intellectually I could rattle them off as philosophic meanderings; but I didn’t
really believe it, deep down failing still meant that I was a failure.
Until as a 28 year old I decided to learn to roller skate,
something that I had been scared to do my whole life. One of those things that
I had desperately wanted to be able to do but was too terrified of looking like
a knob. The coaching had propelled me to want to push myself, to really put
myself out there and begin to put what I was learning into practice.
Clearly I really wanted to learn the lesson because not only
did I embark on learning to roller skate but I decided I would play the
all-female full contact sport of Roller Derby. I would have to learn how to
run, jump, weave, skate backwards, turn from front to back, take a hit and give
one all whilst skating within a 10 foot pack of 9 other skaters.
For years I cried- a lot! I fell down so many times that I was
more familiar with the ground than the bottom of my skates. I broke both of my
wrists in the first few months and had bi knee surgeries in years to come.
Those first few years were both heaven and hell. I had to fall on repeat to
learn how to turn around, to stop, to weave.
Many a trainings I stood face to
face with my partner with horrible thoughts going around in my head because I felt
like such a failure. I couldn’t do it right away so therefore I was doomed.
I cried because I thought I would never improve. I cried
because “everyone” was better than me or progressing faster. I cried because I broke
bones. I cried because squatting for 2 hours hurts. I cried because I wanted it
so badly that I had to face my own limits in order to overcome them.
With my partner as my coach, I kept getting up and at times I
was literally getting knocked down by other people. I had to learn how to get
up fast and move on even faster in fear that someone might hit me again. I
became agile, resilient and conditioned to failing.
I soon found out that in order to learn the new skill, I would
need to fuck it up sometimes hundreds of times before I got it right but when I
finally did the thing, it was the most rewarding and fulfilling thing I had
ever experienced.
Playing it safe all those years and fearing looking like an
idiot had severely limited the depth of my life. I was unable to grow and my
self-belief was in the shitter. I had never done anything that created any kind
of reference points of success and as a result had nothing to work with.
I learnt how to skate, I learnt how to play roller derby but
most importantly I learnt that:
“If you’re not falling over, then you’re not trying hard enough”
Get out there and fail. You only become a failure if you
decide to take on that identity. Ultimately, success is the sum of tonnes of
failures, each taking you a fraction of a step closer to your goals- without it;
you’ll forever stay safe and unfulfilled.
Allow failure, adversity and pain to become your best friend
and your greatest ally.
Love,
Katie Nicole
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