How much I hated my naked body

Hey Ladies,

I have been reading a beautiful autobiography of late and it's inspired me to share some things with you all. The book is called through thick and thin and it's Gok Wan's story. For any of you who aren't familiar with Gok Wan, he is best known for his TV role presenting a show called How to Look Good Naked where by he works with women suffering from low confidence and helps them to feel fabulous about themselves.

He shares in his book his struggle with childhood obesity, bullying, low self worth, confused sense of sexuality as well as his journey to anorexia and the turmoil of learning to love and accept himself.

As I have experienced his journey with him, I couldn't help but think of my own journey; how my whole childhood was centred around food and by the time I was 12 I weighed over 70 kgs. This led to huge effects in my adolescent years, with the mirror being my worst enemy. For most of my high school friends, this may come as a shock as much like Gok, I pretended I was ok with what I looked like. I would put myself down first in a comical way so that others didn't have a chance to hurt me.

For the most part of yr 11 &12 I was depressed and hated myself to the point of self harm, unbeknown to my classmates, teachers, friends and family. Not much really improved for me, my physical self harm had stopped but the binge eating and yo yo diets had not. In year 10 I lost 20 kgs and finally felt close to fitting in, though something was still not right. I still felt worthless and being "skinny" hadn't proven to have done the trick.

Over the next 10 years I went up and down in weight, losing and putting on over 20kgs more than 5 times; sure the cutting had stopped but I was doing more harm than ever to my body. The truth of the matter was that although I came across as bubbly, confident and assertive, I was living a lie and hated my self for it.

I would constantly think, 5 more kilos and then I'd be happy, once I'd get there I wasn't any happier and the eating would begin again. The cycle would continue and the self hatred for not being able to keep the weight off daunted me every time I would catch up with friends or family that I hadn't seen in a while. I would work desperately to get to a certain weight by a certain time just so everyone could see the dramatic difference and for that split second I would feel worthy.

It never lasted as I still lacked in a healthy body image and a positive self esteem. For years this has torn me apart and I guess is the very reason why I am passionate about encouraging women to love the skin they are in right now.

I have learnt over the years to love myself, to cherish the gift of my beautiful body despite what others may think. I have learnt to say no to the stereo types set about by the women's media of perfection and decide once and for all that who I am and what I look like in this very moment is amazing and I am grateful for it.

I honestly wish this for every woman, to feel like nothing needs to change, that how you are is perfect. I am passionate about this and I want to share my knowledge and experience with as many women as I can.

On the 23rd of November in Hampton, Melbourne, VIC, Australia from 730-9 pm I will be presenting a workshop on how to Unleash your Power and be the Confident and Assertive women you know you can be. I would love for those ladies that can make it to come along. This event is free as I want as many women as possible to experience being all they can be. So if are coming along please follow this link to secure your spot as there are only 10 places left. Share the message and share the love with any ladies that you know could go with feeling good about themselves.

http://moreconfidence.com.au/unleash_your_power

Can't wait to meet some of my readers and soon to tour so all can experience the beauty of themselves.

Stay wonderful ladies!

What do you do in front of the mirror?

Welcome to another beautiful day in your life.

What could you be grateful for if you really wanted to right now? Is it that your heart beats without you having to tell it to? Do you love your body for it's functionality and how it keeps you alive without you even noticing it.

Perhaps you could be grateful today that although you may see your body as imperfect there are those out there who don't even have access to a reflection, let alone the images we expose ourselves to.

Today I am grateful to be a woman, to have fabulous curves, juicy hips that have meant i have enjoyed my dessert this week. I am grateful to have such amazing women supporting me to love who I am just the way am I. We are all beautiful and for that i am grateful.

Loving yourself isn't about getting everything in your body perfect, it's about seeing yourself as perfect already.

I'm sure for many of you, you can think of a part of your body that you don't love, right now. What would happen if you did? What would happen if you just said, that's it! I'm fabulous and I know it. Do you think your lives might change as a result? Do you perhaps think you could let go of your negative self talk, guilt and pressure? How fabulous?!

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and said " damn! I'm one sexy, hot, beautiful, pretty, gorgeous etc. lady"? Maybe you have never said that.

Here is something for you to do today. Get dressed up in whatever you feel the most amazing in, get feeling totally and utterly fabulous and do it for you, because you want to feel that way. Now once you've done that and done your hair and perhaps make up and jewellery if that helps, go to the mirror and say:

" whoa! You are one fine looking woman, you are fabulous and sexy. Looking good (insert your name here)"

I know this may feel weird, but have you ever noticed how good you feel when you are all dressed up? Get fabulous and give yourself the gift of complimenting how great you are right now. There is no perfect time to tell yourself that you love you. Actually, that's a lie, there is a perfect time and it's all the time!

Go out there and embrace who you are just as you are, this will give others permission to do the same. When we judge others we are really judging ourselves, so lets love us so others can do the same.

Ladies you are fabulous and I don't need to know you or see you to know that it's true. We are all beautiful! No matter what!

Have an amazing weekend and I want to hear about your mirror experiences, very curious indeed!

Katie

p.s make sure you follow us on FB http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Confidence-Coach/205118519542939

p.p.s For all you Melbourne ladies, all the fun of my blogs will be coming to you live very very soon, stay posted!

p.p.p.s Is three ps's appropriate? Oh well, it is to me! I love this woman, i think she is fabulous and deserves recongnition for loving her self.

Women's true strength lies within their femininity, where's yours?

Hello!

Well it's been a while since I last posted and if I'm honest, I've really missed connecting with all my readers.

I have had a huge few weeks with trainings galore and boy do I have some goodies for you.

Today, I thought I would share with you some insights around us women and men. You see confidence is all about strength, the strength  to stand up for yourself, the strength to say no to others and yes to yourself. The strength to be all you can be and say it just how you want it.

 For many women we have given away our power. For countless generations we let men take our power from us, we didn't know any better and although women have fought through feminism to regain our power somehow there is still a staggering amount of women who continue to give it away, even in the youngest of generations.

How do our children learn? Through us primarily of course and we were taught by our mothers and them by theirs. Unless our mothers learnt what their own power was it would seem that their daughters wouldn't know either.

I believe that through our generations and with the rise of females in power we are being taught that it's a good thing to have power and strength, and it is. What concerns me is the depletion of our feminine energy. We have learnt to rise as men do, not as women. Our strongest women use a tonne of masculine energy and for the most  part the women who are out there providing for their families and staying strong are denying themselves their true energy source.

Think about it, men's energy is to put out,  be external and "out there", for us women we are to receive, to take, to nurture. As women we have gone out and put on the hat of the man, we ave denied our feminine energy and often are shamed when we use our femininity in the workplace. We very rarely let people look after us, we don't even allow ourselves to get sick and we never really take any time for us, yet our feminine energy is to receive.


This causes tension, our natural state is to be a woman, of course! Not a man. When we never let our partners look after us, or never tell them how too, they become boys and we become the mother. They take on the feminine role's and just fall into being looked after, the romance ceases to exist, the love begins to feel lost and we end up beginning to resent why he just can't put his dirty undies in the basket.

 It is a beautiful thing that we are out there now too, I want to remind you how powerful your feminine energy is, how wearing your hair down can impact and influence the men in your workplace and home life more than you can imagine.

What we need to notice is that when we have our guards up and play the masculine energy all the time there is no place for his masculine energy so he takes on the feminine. Then there is no place for your feminine energy.

Men need to feel appreciated, to feel like the man and that he is our hero, our King. For us, we need to feel understood, that he gets us, we should be his Queen.


I have always considered myself strong and independent and for the most part I am. I have worked at my confidence and strength, travelling the world alone and doing things my way almost to prove the point that I can. I often found myself saying things like " sure a man would be nice, but I sure don't need one".

What I have come to realise is that it's really nice to be treated like a real women, to have the door held open, for my coat to be removed, for him to drive me around. It doesn't mean that I can't do it, it certainly doesn't mean that I am weak, it means that my man feels like the man and I feel like the woman.

Embrace your feminine energy, wear your hair down more often, tell all the men in your life how much you appreciate them and really mean it. It's time for us to take on our power, our feminine power and leaves the men's business to them.

Happy Monday!

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Falling down is what makes getting up all the more sweet

Hey everyone,

Sometimes it's challenging to see the light at the end of the tunnel and often when your down its hard to know how or even when you might get up again.

Confidence is all about getting back up again, about stepping into unfamiliar territory where perhaps you aren't so confident and building it up. Getting competent in confidence. It takes time and getting knocked down can really hurt. Confidence isn't something that comes in the mail or something that shows up out of the blue, it's something that takes effort and development and it takes doing something that you aren't so confident in and working at it until you get earn the confidence.

This never rung more true to me than last week. On Friday I went roller skating. Yep you read right, Roller Skating. I haven't ever been roller skating, I went ice skating a few times years ago and failed miserably. Back then I used to think that if I wasn't good at something right away then there was no point continuing.I believed that I should just stick to what I knew and that way there was no chance of getting hurt. Crazy right?

Well maybe not so crazy, so many people wont try something new because they think they'll be no good at it. They stop trying new things in the fear of falling. Of course they won't be any good at it, how can they be? If you have never done something before how on earth can you be good at it. After how many times would you tell a child to just give up trying to walk? Is there a limit to how many times they can fall over before they should give up?

This doesn't seem to enter people's minds though, all that consumes people is the thought of stuffing up, of failing and making a fool of themselves. This keeps people so afraid, it keeps them from getting confident at anything.

When i first put on my four wheeled shoes I admit, I was scared. How on earth can I stand, let alone move when I'm on wheels. This can't be natural I said to myself. I really wanted to do it though, I have watched those graceful skaters and seen how much fun they seem to have and I wanted to be part of it.

I stood up tentatively with my awesome partner standing by me and holding my hand. I very awkwardly skated to the rink and stuck to the wall as I entered the rink. I knew that in order for me to get confident I had to let go, I had to give it my all and embrace the fear of falling over, no matter how much it might hurt.

For the first few minutes Iwent slow, making sure to hold my partners hand. As I kept going I let go of his hand and started off on my own. Sure I was scared, but soon enough I was flying, getting more and more speed and feeling more confident in every stride.

After an hour of beautiful skating I took a break, feeling great and on top of the world, I wanted more, I wanted the rush and went back on the rink for some more skating.

A few laps around tragedy struck, another skater came into the rink without looking and BAM! down I went. Ouch! It hurt and it hurt bad.  I got back up knowing that if I didn't get up now, I probably never would, but I had lost my confidence. I was scared again and now more than ever, I had felt the pain of falling and didn't want to go there again. Within moments I fell again. This time I had to sit down, I had been hit and I was hurting, my pride as much as my knee.

I was tired, I was hurting, I had fallen down and I really didn't want to get back up again. I had to make a decision, I had to decide weather I was going to give up and never get that feeling of flying again or  I could decide to settle into the fear and say no to myself for good.

I knew that if I didn't give it another go then I wouldn't ever and that would mean giving up on myself. I got up and went out there and gave it my all. I embraced the fear and accepted that I might fall and that's OK, because if I didn't fall, I wasn't trying hard enough. I skated better than ever, I got out there and skated faster than ever and this time I didn't fall, not once.

Tonight, I go back out there and do it all again because building confidence is about getting back up, trying again and never giving up.

Keep going everyone, keep getting scared and pushing through it, that's where life begins, at the edge of your comfort zone.

Try something new this weekend and fall over!

K

Is Man Flu for real?

Hello!

The season's are definitely changing here in Melbourne and with every season change comes consequences.

There has been a bit of a bug going around Melbourne and lots of people are very sick with a pretty nasty flu. As I have seen plenty of women and men come down with this, I am struck by the way in which our male counterparts handle their illness. They go down like a tonne of bricks, they are unable to move at all and we as the care givers, we look after them. We on the other hand suck it up and get on with it, sure we are sick but things still need to get done don' they?

I know we laugh and often poke fun at the case of the "man flu" and how we as women think that men seem to overreact; however isn't rest, re cooperation and a lot of lying down exactly what our bodies are asking from us? We get sick because our bodies need rest. It's the last sign that we have been pushing ourselves too hard and it's time to slow down.

As women we keep on going, as if the responsibilities of generations go by still rests on our shoulders. We don't stop very often. We pick our selves up and push right on through, maybe resting for one day rather than a week, " because there is simply too much to do".

I think we should learn something from these "man flu" cases. Is it more that we "under react" to illness rather than men over reacting? Men have no problems putting their needs first, making sure that they are looked after and healthy. They know that if they take the required time it takes to get sick and do it properly, that they will be healthier and stronger to continue to " hunt".  They know that if they go out everyday with very little fuel in the tank, then they will have nothing to give. 

In order to give anything we must first have it. If we do not even give ourselves the time and love to rest and recover when we are suffering physically or emotionally then how on earth do we have it to give to others.

So this got me to thinking about love; about self love and  how it's something that is often considered as arrogant or even something that we should be afraid of expressing. 

Many different spiritual and religious practices state that self pride is something to be avoided. That we must give all of us all of the time.That loving yourself is greedy, self righteous and plain old selfish; and as these beliefs have permeated our society we still tend to believe that self love is something to be ashamed of. 

As women, we have been told for generations to keep quiet, speak only when spoken to, to stay in the background and support our men, our family but never ourselves. We have been bred to nurture and love everyone else around us irrelevant of how we are. 

Have you ever been sick yourself when a loved one is sick and yet their needs seem to come first, always? We look after others first because we love them right? We want to show them how much we care and how much value they hold in our lives.

So what are we saying when we don't look after ourselves? No caring, no value, no love.

Look after yourselves ladies, in all areas of your life. You are valuable, you deserve love and care and the way to generate more of it is to first give it to yourself.

So this weekend, how will you show yourself that you love you? I'd love to hear how you went and what kind of things you have done to show that love to yourself as I'm sure all the other readers would too, so leave a comment!

Happy loving! Katie B

For more of my thoughts check out this free media report.

http://moreconfidence.com.au/free_media_report

You are too fat for summer

The sun is beaming here today in Melbourne as if to say "wake up! Let your light shine and embrace your own inner warmth" of course it could also be saying " it's warming up, it's getting closer to the time when the swim suit will have to come out, seriously; you are way too fat for summer."

You see it's all perception. The beginning of good weather, for a lot of people marks fun, the beach, long days and hot nights where everything feels just great. For a lot of other people out there, it's a time to be reminded how inadequate we are as we see shorts getting shorter and bikini's galore. We reveal our legs for the first time in months only to feel far too pale. We see summer as either a time to show off our bodies and tans or we shy away from the thought of revealing our pasty not so perfect bodies.

The pressure really starts to build at this time of year for many women. Gym memberships go through the roof and people are frantic to get "ready for summer". What exactly does that mean? We all of a sudden have to change ourselves simply because the season changes. Doesn't this seem a little odd? All of a sudden the razors come out a little more frequently, the spray tan shows it head and most of the world goes on a diet in persual of "getting the beach body" in time for summer.

Sure it's motivation, but it's not inspiration. External circumstances are causing us to shift, not an inner knowing that makes us want to be healthy for life rather than just for the warmer months. When we focus on externals to get us moving, it will always fail and with it failing it leads us to feel even more inadequate and with less money in our pockets then we were at the start of summer.

So I ask of you, as we enter into another beautiful Australian summer, look after yourselves, always not just for summer. If you show yourself love and acceptance all year around, then the seasons will do little to shake you. The fear will subside and shopping for a new swimsuit will be all the more easier when you realise that you are so beautiful right now. Even if you know that you haven't been looking after yourself as much as you could have; know that everyone on the beach is just as conscious as you are and they are more worried about themselves than you!

Love yourself for who you are and re frame your thinking when trying on your summer clothes for example; Your white skin needn't be something to be ashamed of, rather it should be cherished for you have kept your skin precious and out of the sun. If you're worried about your body, re frame it to perhaps mean that you have a fully functional body and are grateful to have access and funds to buy swimmers and go to the beach.

There is always a different way to see yourself and your body.

What are you choosing?

Enjoy all of you.

Cheers K

Get a copy of your free report " Screw what the media says, I'm perfect just the way I am" here at

http://moreconfidence.com.au/free_media_report

Mum, mum, pass the spray tan

Happy Thursday readers,

Tomorrow I'm off to assist in transforming the lives of 26 people about to embark in a course that will change their life and subsequently the lives of those who they touch, just like I did less than 12 short months ago. Getting into the business of transforming lives is both rewarding and at times heart breaking as I'm constantly looking for errors in our human ways in order to create opportunities to help the planet change.

My partner came home from working the other day and explained to me a horrifying image of something he witnessed at a customers house. He saw a mother and her 7 year old daughter sitting at the kitchen table seemingly spending some quality time together. What he soon realised was that the young girl was actually getting prepared for the warmer months by spraying her self with artificial tan. Sheesh!

If any of you have pay TV you may be aware of a show affectionately known as Toddlers and Tiara's. This show is an American program that follows the child pageant circuit and all it entails. You see girls as young as 6 months old getting their make up done and dressed up like a doll that we used to play with. You will also be privy to little girls with spray tans, hair pieces, sexy outfits accompanied by dance routines and false teeth; no one likes to see gappy teeth in a growing child do they?

These girls are paraded like show dogs around the platform and are judged on categories such as who is the prettiest and who has the best dress on. At no point does the girl get to show her value on who she is and girls will actually be penalised and lose points if they look too natural.

Is this a sport? Is this a way for the normally overweight mothers to play "dolls" and relive their childhood through their daughters? What on earth are these young girls learning? How much value is actually being placed on their identity, creativity, non pageant talents, knowledge, personality and values. These girls are getting brought up to believe that this is all there is, that beauty is all that makes up a person.

Between the ages of 0-7 is know as the imprint period and it's a time in a child's development where they absorb everything so they can create meaning to the world. This is where all our initial learning of the world and who we are comes from, this is an extremely delicate period of time in any one's development. 

Can anyone remember a memory of that time where you made a decision about something, someone or even yourself. Do you see that unless you have consciously changed it then you still hold that view? For all you parents out there; relax, these beliefs can be changed.

Even more concerning is that between the ages of 8-15 is the modelling period where we follow idols, mentors, hero's, celebrities and role models. 

So if  in the first 15 years of life the young girls like those in Toddlers and Tiara's ( and millions more) are building beliefs based on superficiality and modelling the likes of celebrities or even worse still the girls that came before them, what hope do those poor girls have at a confident and self assured future.

The way the young girls are being raised is more than disgusting, it's child abuse.

Protect their future by making sure you are comfortable and confident in your own skin, so we can show the women of tomorrow what real women are.

Cheers K

For more of my views on confidence and image. Follow this link to your free report: Screw what the media says, I'm perfect just the way I am. 

http://moreconfidence.com.au/free_media_report

If you are not slim, pretty and popular then you don't deserve confidence

Well that’s what the media seems to be portraying these days. Female celebrities are attacked and criticised for not being real and displaying a false sense of being, but two pages later there 

are pictures of them without make up on looking like hell and made to feel awful about it.

So what is the media saying? Be yourself but only if you are slim, pretty and popular and even if you are slim, pretty and popular that these conditions are subject to public approval and commentary. As though in order to be liked and valued within society then it should appear that you are real, honest and ok with being who you are, providing that we don’t see your blemishes, cellulite and what you look like first thing in the morning without make up on. That you should only show your vulnerability on the inside and cover up how you really feel.

For too long we have listened to the standards of other people. We have been fed rubbish through the media that portrays the popular girls as the prettiest one, too bad for all of us regular looking ones. Scientific studies have shown that we actually believe someone who is better looking to be more trustworthy, more intelligent and have more talents than their not so good looking counterpart. Can you believe that?! We actually value them higher based on what they look like. Let’s be honest we all judge a book by a cover to some degree, this keeps us safe and serves as a warning if used correctly. The only problem that this poses is the underlying blanket belief around beauty. Beauty= Importance

Does that then mean that simply because you are better looking by our society’s standards that you should automatically feel good about yourself? That you should only walk with confidence and feel great about who you are if you fit perfectly into the box?  I remember a comment on a reality TV show years ago made by a guy that went something along the lines of “she is one of those fat confident chicks, she shouldn’t have confidence”, as though she didn’t deserve to love who she is. This mindset is staggering and I see evidence of it all the time. On a plane returning from Sydney just the other day, I watched a group of young men in their mid 20’s ogle over the very slim and pretty flight attendant. They made comments and stared at her, both of which I could see made her very uncomfortable. She lost confidence when they treated her that way and I could see how another “not so pretty” girl watching that, could feel less than worthy because of their behaviour towards her. They would have moved mountains for her, but there was no way they would even help me get my bag down from the overhead compartment. The parody of this is that through them placing value solely on what she looks likes made not only her lack 

confidence but those around her too.

This lesson tells us that we need to stop placing value on the physical and start to really value who each other are and what we stand for. Everyone deserves to feel great about who they are, 

not just the “pretty” people. Beauty fades, who you are should never.

I’d love to hear about your experiences of being judged based on what you look like and how that has affected your confidence.

Have a great week

Katie

The Killer Comfort Zone- Why Comfort is ruining your life

Comfort is a leading reason why are so many of us are dissatisfied in life and with who we are. Comfort is disabling and is the quickest way to being miserable.

We all love comfort right? Our favourite pair of tracksuit pants, a secure relationship or job or maybe a warm home cooked meal on a cold winters day. All these things are great and in fact certainty/comfort is one of the 6 core needs of a human. For some people it's their number one driver and again that's great. Our need for certainty and comfort can be met either resourcefully or unresourcefully and it's when it met in an unresourceful way that we become unhappy.

Think about it. Have you ever stayed in a relationship, friendship or even a job, simply because you know it's there? You know that you will have a pay check coming in, you know you will have someone to go out with and someone to come home too even though you also know how much more you have to give and how much more you deserve? Many relationships stay together simply because the thought of having to start all over again seems too hard and they would prefer to settle then to have a truly beautiful relationship.

This is what I call the Killer Comfort Zone. That place where the thought of change is too painful. The place where most people find themselves settling for a life less ordinary. The Zone of unmet expectations and unfulfilled dreams. The ultimate killer of confidence is comfort. For when we stay in our comfort zone we never truly know what we are made of, sure it's safe and warm and so very comfy, but what are we learning there, how are we growing if we never stretch ourselves?

I want you to visualize a time where your confidence was soaring. What did it look like? What sounds did you hear? How did you feel? What were the events that led to this confidence? More often than not confidence comes from stretching yourself, from stepping out of the comfort zone and giving something a go even if you don't quite get the result you wanted, aren't you proud of yourself for giving it a shot. Remember those times when you have stood up, stepped out and it's paid off? How amazing did you feel? Can you recall a time when you worked really hard at accomplishing something and really stretched yourself and ended up with a great result?

These are the times where our confidence is built. In moments when you don't think you can, when all you want to do is stay safe in the Killer Comfort Zone because you know exactly what it's like there and instead you choose to accept the challenge of life. You choose to feel the fear and act anyway because deep down you know that if you stay comfortable, you stay safe and isn't it true that life begins at the end of your comfort zone?

So if you want to have a happier and more fulfilled life where you love who you are and feel great about yourself, you need to step out of the zone. Staying safe gets you the same results you have always gotten, nothing can ever change if you don't. In order to change your results you must change the way you are and the quickest way to do that is to take action. You don't need to take massive action or take a giant leap out of your comfort zone, in  fact for many of you that would be detrimental because too far out of the zone will be overwhelming and the safety of the comfort zone becomes even more appealing. Take "you" sized steps. Perhaps it's trying a new hobby, wearing a different item of clothing or perhaps going on that date you have been meaning too. The ultimate way to feed your need for comfort is by backing yourself, trusting in you and your abilities.

Whatever you do, get out of your comfort zone every day, get practising and see how fast and effective it is for building your confidence. Keep showing up, keep stretching yourself, for in the words of the founder of McDonald's, Ray Kroc says

" You are either green and growing or ripe and rotting"

Stay green everyone.

Join the community of like minded people by clicking the right hand side that says join. Share your thoughts for the benefit of all the readers of The Confidence Coach, we would love to hear your story. Visit us at www.moreconfidence.com.au and like us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/moreconfidence

If you stand for nothing you will fall for anything

Hello again wonderful readers,

After hearing about a friend of mine being spoken to extremely poorly and about a topic that made my blood boil, I got to thinking. I started thinking about how we treat others, how we allow others to treat us and more importantly what effect do these two things have on our self worth and esteem.

Looking back at a much younger version of myself than I am now, I distinctly remember certain events that really shaped who I am today and really forced me to make some decisions around what kind of person I was going to become. Events such as waking up in a strangers bed, accepting being spoken to in a derogatory way, believing rumors or even stepping back when I knew deep inside myself that I wanted to stand up and speak my mind.

For those of you who know me, keeping quiet isn't something I do all that well and for those of you that don't know me, I'm sure you can tell by these blogs, that I have something to say. Sure, I have mostly been the loud one and the one that is more likely to stand her ground, however I must say there has been many times in my life where I have kept silent about things that truly needed to be said. In those moments where I didn't stand up and when I kept quiet, those were the times that hurt the most. It wasn't so much what was said, rather it was what was NOT said by me that really hurt.

So what pushes your hot button? What gets you fired up? Can you think of a time or several times when one of those buttons have been pushed and you haven't done a thing about it? You go home and cry or get angry at your loved ones or perhaps beat yourself up because you could have said something really cool- but you didn't. In those moments, what did you teach yourself about you? What did you teach that other person about you? What standards did you lower yourself too?

A low self worth comes when we don't value ourselves, when we don't have boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not. I remember Dr Phil talking about " deal breakers" in a relationship, certain things that would automatically end a romantic relationship for you. It could be cheating, smoking, abuse or not making the bed. Whatever boundaries you have set are what determines your relationships. Most people haven't clearly decided their boundaries and it's only when that feeling in the pit of your stomach comes that you realise that a boundary has been crossed and more often than not nothing is said.

When the boundaries of your values are unclear then you are teaching people that they can do pretty much whatever they want to you. If you don't know what's acceptable or not then how are others meant to. More importantly than this, if you notice that someone has crossed the line with you and you say nothing, you are teaching them that that very thing is ok to do, so they'll do it time and time again. The more silence you keep then the more you are telling yourself that what you stand for is worthless and your self worth will go down, along with your confidence and self esteem.

So, I encourage you to find your hot buttons on your own and not wait till their pushed by someone else and you become reactionary rather than responsive. Reaction is behaviour because of them and responding is according to you. For eg.

Someone pushes in front of you in a line at the supermarket.
This annoys you.
You could do one of 3 things.
1.) Stay silent and fume about it when you get home-  passive reaction
2.)Yell and scream about it to the person causing a confrontation that still ends in anger- aggressive reaction
3.)Politely inform the person that you were there first and show them where the back of the line is- Assertive response.

Number one in this example will lead to a lowered self esteem because you wish you would have said something. Number two will give a similar result because you had wished that you handled it better and felt that you embarrassed yourself by overreacting. Number 3 on the other hand will have you standing tall. Not only did you say what every other person in the line wished they had said, you did it in a controlled, polite and assertive fashion that means that you just became your own hero along with everyone elses without degrading the person who pushed in. It's win win for all.

So write a list of what's acceptable and whats not in your life. What are some things that just are not ok to you? What are the things that you will not put up with? Knowing what your boundaries are, is empowering. It enables you to stand tall and gather reference points of success when you have proved to yourself that you can stand your ground. Be assertive, avoid aggression because this is reactionary and will only lead to feeling poorly about yourself.

Confidence is so much more than loving your body, it's also about valuing yourself, when you have clearly defined values and you stand for them, you will always feel 10 ft tall and fabulous!

Happy standing everyone!

Feel free to add your email address to the top right hand side of the page to follow The Confidence Coach's blog and check out our new Facebook page at www.facebook.com/moreconfidence and our website for your free CD on confidence www.moreconfidence.com.au

Is dying your hair and using make up in the same ball park as plastic surgery?

A conversation I had last week with a mother of a teenage daughter shocked me when I found out that teenage girls as young as 12 from "elite" schools were having plastic surgery performed to fix their imperfections. This sparked a lot of thought within me, these girls before even reaching maturity are getting nose jobs, removing freckles and trying to remove stretch marks before they've even had a chance to fade. Their bodies are in a peak of growth and development and their true shapes haven't even been formed yet. What on earth is compelling these young girls to go to such extremes? More importantly, do they see it as extreme?

The last decade has brought a whole new meaning to the illusion of perfection with plastic surgery and " cosmetic treatments" becoming something that is not only affordable to the masses but also acceptable to many. The so called role models of the world proudly boast their new boobs, chin or nose. Once upon a time getting work done was taboo however now in many circles, (particularly wealthy and famous ones) one could be ostracised for not having work done, as though just letting yourself grow and age naturally is actually offensive.

If you can look back and remember your adolescence and see how much your body was changing, feel all the hormones moving inside of you and causing you to make some interesting new choices and hear all the pressure that your social circles put on one another, no wonder we were confused, not much made sense in those years.

For me, those years were well over a decade ago and I am trying to picture what it is now like to be a teenage girl in a world that seems to be driven by even more perfection. Young girls seem to be getting older at a younger age. Mobile phones, Facebook accounts, fashion, accessories and makeup are being used by girls at a very young age.

I have seen girls as young as 8 in full faces of make up and even further than that, there are beauty pageants for little girls and even babies where they have spray tans, false teeth, full faces of make up and hair pieces all in the name of " beauty"

So my question is where is the line? Where is the line in the sand that separates a woman wearing make up or dying her hair and getting cosmetic surgery. Is wearing make up just as false as getting a face lift? Is dying your hair the same as removing your freckles?

To me it comes down to what is happening inside.If a woman is searching to love herself by means of external  factors such as make up, hair dye and plastic surgery then there is some soul searching that needs to take place, to find what's really missing. Every cosmetic procedure that's gets done as a way to make a woman feel better is only ever temporary if the cause of her low self esteem is never addressed. We are teaching our daughters that perfection is something to strive for, that air brushed can be obtained as we walk down the street. Isn't it time that all our beautiful imperfections that make us all perfect are on display for each other to see? If I accept my freckles, then you can accept yours.

 As a woman getting all "dolled" up with a face of make up can be fun, like playing dress ups as a kid. Dying  my hair is a way to express my creativity and try on a different look to see how it makes me feel. I believe that a woman should be able to stand natural and love the skin we are in, no make up , no hair dye, no hair removal, no waist controlling knickers, no manicures or pedicures and still say " yes! I am beautiful."

So for the sake of the beautiful women that you have in your life, tell yourself how beautiful YOU are because that gives permission for them to do the same.

Share the love ladies and spread the word. You can follow this blog by clicking on  the right hand side of the page that says " join this site" and please share this to as many beautiful women and young women as you know, they deserve to feel beautiful today and every other day too.

You are beautiful whole and complete just the way you are!

A strange country? Conservative Aussies

Hi Ladies,

It's great to hear the positive feedback surrounding this blog and I encourage you to follow along and share it with your friends, family and work colleagues.

What is it about Australia that has us feeling so ashamed of our bodies? The same rings true in America, do we just follow suit?

A lovely comment was left on my Facebook this week in regards to Europe and their view on bodies. I have had similar experiences in Europe and found their view liberating, unlike the conservative Australians.

I know that Aussies like to think of themselves as laid back and easy going, however I really must disagree. I spent 2 years travelling Europe a couple of years ago and never had a felt more accepted, happier about my body and all round confident in who I was. I found that in Europe anything goes, their attitudes are one of a true relaxed culture of acceptance and free spirits.

Perhaps they have had to fight for their identities, perhaps each country struggled so hard to fight for their land and country, that they don;t sweat the small stuff anymore. Anyone who has ever been travelling in Europe in the summer would agree that on most beaches almost everywhere in Europe it is 100% totally acceptable to go topless. There is no shame, no laughter and certainly no inhibitions. Women of all shapes and sizes don a bikini and hit the beach often without a top on.

Women in Europe embrace their curves, age and sexuality. On a beach in Europe you will see tall, short, slim, curvy, overweight, healthy, aged, young all in their swimwear enjoying the beach and the sun, there simply does not seem to be a criteria for how a woman "should" look in order to enjoy the beach and swim wear.

In many parts of Europe there are public baths, in Istanbul, Turkey myself and a friend went along to a very famous public bath where you are literally washed by another woman. This isn't considered dirty, weird or even sexual. Before times of bathing facilities in homes, people would go once or twice a week to a public bath, where they would strip down and enjoy a day or half day having a bath and socialising with many different other women. Men did it to, in separate "bath houses" of course.

I entered the bath with a little nervous trepidation, however I loved the liberation of just being me and being ok with that. Letting it literally all hang loose and seeing other women just like me doing the same.

In Australia, we tend to see nudity as either sexual or dirty, as if our beautiful bodies should be hidden away. What message is that teaching the next generations? What are our daughters learning about their bodies? That to be nude is either something to be ashamed of or only used in a context of sex. When will be wake up and realise that it's how we were born. There were no clothes on us when we came out.

I understand that for society to function and for hygiene purposes, we must wear clothes, however isn't it time that we dropped the over sexualisation of nudity and simply embraced our bodies whole and completely. It's not about sex or exhibition, it's about acceptance and comfortability.

Since returning to Australia I have found it so much more judgemental, we have a status quo and people are expected to meet it stringently and if you fall below it or rise above it then you are put down and considered a weirdo or a bum.

Embrace your body, embrace your sexuality. Just because you love your body does not mean your arrogant, up your self or a slut. It simply means that you have the guts to love who you are inside and out, no matter what. Be the change you wish to see, if more woman embrace this and release their inner shine then that in turns gives more women permission to do the same.

So, spend some time in the nude in your house from time to time, get to love your body in the way that it was intended form, natural!

Have an amazing weekend and I look forward to chatting with you on Facebook, here on the blog or you can visit my site for your FREE "7 Steps to Shine and have ultimate confidence CD".

Katie Blewitt- The Confidence Coach
www.moreconfidence.com.au

You are the master- 7 ways to build your confidence

Happy Monday people,

How was your weekend? Did you shy away again this weekend or perhaps got that all too familiar feeling of waking up in a house that you now wish you hadn't? Or did you have a blast, loving every moment of your time off?

A lack of confidence comes in all shapes and sizes and as I said in my last blog, often the bitchiest girls or the most arrogant guys are really the ones lacking in the most confidence. 

I want you to think of that really pretty girl at school, the one who stood out from the crowd, seemed to have all the luck, talent and skills. The one that perhaps you and all your friends bitched about because you knew that she had it better than you and if she had it better than you then it was ok to put her down because you can, you did and it was seen as ok. You made this mean that she had everything and that makes it alright. Perhaps she was your friend. Perhaps it was you.

Often the "prettiest" girl in school is the one with the lowest self esteem. She has only ever been valued for what she looks like. Men have only ever come to her because of her beauty and never were truly interested in what she had to say, in fact they didn't even think she had anything to say. Aren't we all guilty of this at times?

Believing that because someone has the looks then they must be dumb? Blonde Bimbo comes to mind there. We perhaps feel the inherent need to find flaws in the good looking ones, thinking that anyone that good looking must be dumb, otherwise that would be unfair, right?

I want you for just a moment imagine being that person, only ever being judged for the outside and never valued for who you are, what you stand for and what you think. Imagine that. Society thinks your nothing but a pretty face. True self worth comes from the inside. In our society beautiful people aren't valued for who they are, so what are we teaching ourselves? That beauty is all that counts? That looks are all that matters. Isn't that what celebrity magazines are all about? Showing us that looks, body shape and how much we weigh is what's important.

As long as you believe that your self worth is based on what you look like, you will always be a victim of low self esteem. You can change this and if you do change it now then you will become happier healthier and a better example for those around you.

So the first way to build your confidence is:

1.) Start a journal and write down at least 1 thing you love about who you are everyday. When this becomes easy, increase it to 2, 3,4 etc and keep going, there is no limit. Qualities could include kind, honest, nice, caring, funny, good friend. Get creative and get practising

2.) Model excellence. Find someone you know who you believe has great self esteem, they are confident in who they are and just be themselves all the time. Model the parts of their behaviour and thinking that have made them so successful in confidence.

3.) Notice the kind of language you use about yourself. Do you put yourself down often, even as a joke? If so, stop! Be kind to yourself.

4.) Practise accepting compliments. Think about it, when you compliment someone, do you mean it? Yes you do. So when someone compliments you, they mean it. Smile and say thank you every time. Practice makes perfect.

5.) Find out what you value in others. If all you value in your friends or colleagues is what they look like or what they are dressed in, then perhaps take a look around you and see that they probably value you in the same way. Is what you look like all you are?

6.) Reduce judgement. We all do it, we all have had a moment or many moments where we poorly judge others. When we judge another we are really judging ourselves. Accept people for who they are and you will accept yourself.

7.) Write a list of all the cool things you want to be. What kind of qualities in others do you aspire for? Write them down and get clear on them. If you are a long way off, then start practising. If you want the world to be a kinder place, practice one act of kindness every day and see what happens, you'll be surprised.

You are perfect, whole and complete just the way you are, all you need to do is remember that.

Please feel free to leave comments and be sure to share this with your friends if you think they could use some tips on how to be more confident.

Have a great week!

Confidence and the top 5 mistakes people make when trying to get it.

So what is confidence?

Over the last week, I have challenged members of the Facebook public on their views surrounding the confidence of celebrities, namely Lady Gaga.

What I have discovered is that many people feel strongly about what it takes to just be yourself and weather or not the likes of Lady Gaga is truly her or a front to overcome her years of torment and bullying through school. People have stated that it doesn't matter what you do to feel confident as long as you love yourself. Others have disagreed, stating that "over confidence" is simply to mask the underlying fear of not knowing who you are or not feeling exactly comfortable with that.

Many people use masks, true. We don't always feel amazing every day when we show up to work or an event, yet we act as if everything is fine. Someone might ask us how we are and we will reply with "fine" or even "good thanks". Our everyday society allows for this, we don't really want to know how people are feeling most of the time, because often we are wearing a mask ourselves. People who lack in confidence do this as well, so is it a confidence mask or simply a polite mask?

So when does the mask of confidence become a lie? Is faking it till you make a sustainable way of survival?

My short answer is no. I once believed that faking it until you made it was  a great way to become confident and self assured. Unfortunately after years of faking it, no strategies or development was done in order to convert that falsity into actual confidence. If you were to fake being a pilot for 5 years and knew exactly what you were meant to say and do to appear like a pilot, would you then be able to fly a plane? No. The knowledge, practice and systems have not been taught, leaving you feeling like a fraud and in fact you would be.

To be a truly confident individual we must work the muscle. We all have confidence within us, it is there and we can access it, most of us simply don't know how to. Ever done a workout or taken part of an obscure activity causing you to use different muscles? Afterwards you swear that you have hurt in places that you never knew existed? That's right, we all have "muscles" that we don't know exist and it's not until we work them that it becomes apparent that we have them.

So if everyone already has confidence within them then why do so many people sit at home on the weekend eating popcorn and wishing that somehow they were different? Here are the top 5 mistakes people make when trying to build confidence.

1.) Giving up to easily
           Just like those new muscles being worked, when you first start it can be uncomfortable, overwhelming or even frightneing. Many people see these as "signs" that maybe they aren't good enough or they shouldn't go for it and they give up. Persistence in the face of fear will get you past it and beyond it. You do not know what you are truly made of until you are pushed. Push Yourself!!

2.) Faking it for too long
         Using "dutch" courage or other methods to fake your confidence can work and does work for a lot of people. It is not sustainable. If you use alcohol to feel good about yourself , then aren't you really telling yourself that you need to be someone else to be liked by not only everyone else but more importantly yourself? That who you are without it isn't good enough? Imagine how quiet a nightclub would be if no one was drinking? Imagine how many people would love to be up on that dance floor but feel as though they can't until they have an excuse? Being the one who throws their inhibition out the window without the alcohol and gets dancing will liberate others to do the same. Be the change you wish to see.

3.) Relying on others
        Many people base their self esteem and worth on what other people think of them. They rely soley on their feedback from others and because it's impossible to satisfy everyone, they constantly change who they are to accomodate whoever they are with. We all put on different hats in different situations, as every part of us is not always appropriate. Telling your boss your most intimate sexual desires may not be what he needs to know. It does not mean that you are hiding it, it simply means that you choose which parts of you, you wish to share. Ladies with low self esteem often fall into the trap of seeking male attention to boost their confidence, only to wake up the next day feeling worse. Respect yourself and others will too.

4.) Going overboard
        People see confidence in others and try to model it and that's a great method. Where they go wrong is going over board. They become so in your face that every body knows it a mask and the person becomes disliked by those around them, then staying true to mistake no. 3, they rely on others and end up feeling awful about themselves even more. They can be seen as super arrogant, up themselves or a real bitch.

5.) Assumption
      I often get asked why some people were born with confidence whilst others weren't. As if it was genetically decided that way, like why do some people have green eyes and other blue. Confidence comes with practice. It's not given to you one day and all of a sudden you are confident. It takes willingness to learn and stretch your comfort zone, persistence and most of all a huge "why". Why do you want confidence? Is it because you know you have so much potential inside you and you just wish you could get it out? You know how much you have to give, but your shyness keeps you stuck. Once you have a big enough why, the how will look after itself.

You don't all of a sudden "get" confidence. You build it through giving it a shot, by putting yourself out there and challenging what you already know.

Be sure to get involved in my Facebook conversations and check out my website too.

I'll be back next week with " You are the master- 7 ways to build confidence"

moreconfidence.com.au