Talent without self-belief is useless

When gunning for a promotion, going after your dream partner, pursuing your dreams, applying for jobs or even simply navigating through life; too many of us assume that we need to have talent in order to move forward.

Sure, if you want to play professional sports, you’ll need a certain level of talent in order to even get a look in but even if you have all the talent in the world and you don’t believe in yourself, you will never reach the kind of heights that you are capable of.

Self-belief will trump talent in the long run. Those with self-belief will push harder, do what it takes and will always get back up when they’re knocked down. Plus, they get knocked down many more times than those who lack self-belief because they are constantly putting themselves out there.

The difference between the “self-believers” and the “non- believers” is pretty simply. Those that believe, think that they are already capable or they will always find a way to figure it out. Those that don’t will always find an excuse as to why it’s too hard and there are too many obstacles in place.

Self- believers see obstacles as a sign that they are getting closer, the more obstacles that are thrown their way, the more compelled they get to keep pushing forward.

As a reformed non- believer myself, I used to see obstacles as finish lines; they were there to “warn” me to turn back and to remain safe. If I ever did put myself out there and inevitably got knocked down, I took it to mean that the world is harsh and scary and I ought to get back into my little hole.

“The problem with our safe little holes is that we only attract more darkness when we are there. The hole will inevitably get smaller as our fear and doubt increase. We become locked in our own minds and feel stuck without a way out.”

Eventually something external happens, if you’re lucky it will be something small like a mild illness. If you’ve been ignoring all the alarm bells then you’re more likely to get a bigger wakeup call; death of a loved one, serious illness, eviction, divorce etc.

Life keeps teaching us the same lessons until we learn from it. The self-believers know this. They know that with each “failure” comes a valuable lesson and that if they learn from it, they will be even more resilient, powerful and their confidence will deepen.

Don’t let your own innate talent die inside of you. We all have talent; talent that is unique to each of us. No one speaks like you do, they can’t dance the way you do or parent the way you can. Yes, every one of us is unique just like everyone else and that’s what makes self-belief so critical.

Your light is waiting for you. Start to recognise that without self-belief you will forever be stuck, learn what you need to in order to change it and make a difference in your world.

Live the best version of you and become a self-believer!

Happy self-loving

Katie Nicole

Confessions from a recovered mean girl

I used to be a bitch. Straight out- I was a mean girl. My insecurities and lack of self-worth resulted in me transferring my own self judgement onto others.

I grew up surrounded by men and patriarchal misogynistic men at that. Women were less than men, they were objects and their bodies were open for opinion. I learnt quickly that to survive in this world that I would need to see the world the same way that they do or become a victim of it.

I’ve been that woman who puts down other women. I used to pride myself on not being like “typical” women. I would shame women to men about being needy, controlling or emotional. I would criticise what they were wearing, if their behaviour was appropriate or not and if I thought they were “easy” or a “prick tease”.

Last week I  was reminded of who I used to be as I attended an ice hockey game between Canada and the USA. Apart from me having a hell of a time yelling and screaming in a way that is only really socially appropriate at sporting games, I happened to sit next to two well presented women and out of sheer proximity I was privy to their conversations.

Mostly, I tuned them out as I was more interested in the game and the company that I was with, however during one of the breaks, I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. It went a little something like this:

Person 1: Have you seen her lately?

Person 2: Yeah, I saw her last week. She was wearing those shorts again-ergh!

P1: Really? Yuck, she really shouldn’t wear them. She has huge thighs and tonnes of cellulite

P2: I know! She just swans around in them as if she thinks no one notices. She’s really got to stop

P1: I mean, I’m all in for body positivity but she takes it too far- it’s disgusting.

At this point I tuned out, I had to. In order to not cause an outright riot and fly off the handle , I kept my thoughts to myself. I was hurt, upset and disgusted.

I was upset for their “friend” who clearly wouldn’t know what was being said behind her back. I was saddened for these two women who felt the need to speak so venomously about someone that they care about. Most of all, I felt for us as women.

All the old feelings of inadequacy came rushing back. Right here next to me was proof that people do judge and more often than not they are the people that we call friends. I recall having similar conversations about my friends in years gone by and how desperate I was to feel like I belonged- oh the irony.

I put down others to make myself feel better- the ultimate bully has insufferable low esteem. As someone who now loves themselves, has great self esteem and works hard to see all people as whole and complete, the conversation I overheard was heart breaking.

We have had to fight for every right we have, our bodies are compared against a computer program and we are still treated like ornaments by many people around the world.

Yet here we are, fighting each other. Putting ourselves down and shaming our own. Haven’t we been through enough? Don’t we get enough shaming from the media without us throwing in some more of our own?

I know why they felt the need to say what they did. I understand the feelings of being threatened and therefore climbing on top of others to bring themselves back up but it still makes me sad.

I set a challenged for you. I challenge you to stop the bitching, stop the judging and stop the shaming. We have all done this and like these women, you may not even be aware that you do it. If you have time to judge then you don’t have time to love.

Self-love starts from within, there is no doubt about it. If you are judging others and putting them down ( even in your head) then you are walking down a very slippery slope.

Every time you judge someone else, you are judging yourself. Choose your thoughts and words wisely.

Let’s lift each other up and show ourselves how magnificent we truly are.

Love Katie Nicole

x

Is a fear of failure holding you back?

As a child, I learnt that if you couldn’t do something right the first time, then there was no point doing it at all. As Homer says to Bart in an episode of the Simpsons after a failed attempt at a goal

“What’s the lesson here boy?  Never try”.

So I did just that, I stopped trying. If I knew that I could do it and be relatively successful at it, then I would give it a go. Things like peer support programs in school, drama and public speaking; I knew that I had a natural propensity towards these things so I did them more. I would confidently conquer activities and “challenges” that weren’t really a stretch for me.

I vehemently avoided things I wasn’t great at, for fear of looking stupid and failing. Even things that I really wanted to do like ice skating, I avoided so I didn’t have to fall and make a fool of myself.

It became an identity belief, the act of failing was not simply a behaviour but was a personality trait; a part of who I was. Failing = being a failure.

I trudged along like this for years, wondering why I felt so unfulfilled. To the outside world I was at times outrageous; skydiving, travelling the world alone, pursuing reality TV shows, moving interstate and talking easily to strangers. I displayed many characteristics of someone who was “out there” but the truth was that it was all within a comfort level I could handle.

The outcomes were predictable; they were open ended so that failure was not so obvious. These experiences rarely put me at risk of being a failure and as a result I was able to avoid what I really wanted to go after in life. I didn’t have to face the stark reality that I might not be good enough for what I really wanted.

Cue 2011; I fell in love with coaching and personal development. I began to learn that there is no failure only feedback, that if it (whatever it was) easy then everyone would be doing it, that you must fall down in order to learn how to get back up. These were all great sayings and intellectually I could rattle them off as philosophic meanderings; but I didn’t really believe it, deep down failing still meant that I was a failure.

Until as a 28 year old I decided to learn to roller skate, something that I had been scared to do my whole life. One of those things that I had desperately wanted to be able to do but was too terrified of looking like a knob. The coaching had propelled me to want to push myself, to really put myself out there and begin to put what I was learning into practice.

Clearly I really wanted to learn the lesson because not only did I embark on learning to roller skate but I decided I would play the all-female full contact sport of Roller Derby. I would have to learn how to run, jump, weave, skate backwards, turn from front to back, take a hit and give one all whilst skating within a 10 foot pack of 9 other skaters.

For years I cried- a lot! I fell down so many times that I was more familiar with the ground than the bottom of my skates. I broke both of my wrists in the first few months and had bi knee surgeries in years to come. Those first few years were both heaven and hell. I had to fall on repeat to learn how to turn around, to stop, to weave. 

Many a trainings I stood face to face with my partner with horrible thoughts going around in my head because I felt like such a failure. I couldn’t do it right away so therefore I was doomed.

I cried because I thought I would never improve. I cried because “everyone” was better than me or progressing faster. I cried because I broke bones. I cried because squatting for 2 hours hurts. I cried because I wanted it so badly that I had to face my own limits in order to overcome them.

With my partner as my coach, I kept getting up and at times I was literally getting knocked down by other people. I had to learn how to get up fast and move on even faster in fear that someone might hit me again. I became agile, resilient and conditioned to failing.

I soon found out that in order to learn the new skill, I would need to fuck it up sometimes hundreds of times before I got it right but when I finally did the thing, it was the most rewarding and fulfilling thing I had ever experienced.

Playing it safe all those years and fearing looking like an idiot had severely limited the depth of my life. I was unable to grow and my self-belief was in the shitter. I had never done anything that created any kind of reference points of success and as a result had nothing to work with.

I learnt how to skate, I learnt how to play roller derby but most importantly I learnt that:

“If you’re not falling over, then you’re not trying hard enough”

Get out there and fail. You only become a failure if you decide to take on that identity. Ultimately, success is the sum of tonnes of failures, each taking you a fraction of a step closer to your goals- without it; you’ll forever stay safe and unfulfilled.

Allow failure, adversity and pain to become your best friend and your greatest ally.

Love,  

Katie Nicole

Believing in yourself is a game changer

When you really think about it, the term “self-belief” seems a little odd. When we are asked if we believe in god we are talking about faith, whether we believe in aliens or ghosts we are talking about opinions,  neither of which (at the time of writing) can be unequivocally proven true or untrue. When we ask these questions we are asking if these things actually exist.

Without getting too woo woo about it, it’s pretty easy to assume that we as people, do in fact exist. We have bodies that age, grow and deteriorate. We have minds that create and can interact with others. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that we do actually exist.

Yet for many of us we struggle to believe in ourselves. Is it that we question our very existence? Or when it comes to humanity are we actually questioning whether or not we believe in our ability to achieve?

We’ve all asked ourselves that question “who am I?” at some point in time. Perhaps you were lucky enough to leave that in your adolescence, but for a vast majority of first world humanity we are left with a void and at times an existential crisis of identity. How can we honestly expect to believe in our ability to achieve when we don’t even know who we are?

Self- belief comes when we know who we are and are confident that we can navigate our lives according to our dreams and hearts desires and that despite setbacks, we are able to pick ourselves up and continue on.

We question alien existence because we have no “proof”. Things are generally accepted by the world once sufficient evidence is provided. Imaging telling the average person in 1850 that in the future you will be able to connect to the entire world using invisible waves of current, you’ll be able to have an instant face to face conversation with someone on the other side of the planet and you can get in a huge chunk of steel with hundreds of other people and fly over oceans. You would be labelled insane and probably locked up.

Yet here we are. We do the same thing for ourselves. Without reference points of success we fail to have “proof” that we are worthy/ can achieve the thing we set out to do, so without proof we lose faith. We think that simply because we can’t see it, then it must not be true. We even have a tried and tested saying for this “I’ll believe it when I see it”.

Oh how wrong we are. We actually wait for the self-belief to show up before we take any action. We fail to realise that self-belief is created by doing the very thing that we think we can’t. Our brain needs reference points of success or in other words, it needs proof. There are some lucky souls out there who have been taught to believe in themselves from day dot, but it’s unlikely that they’re reading this article.

For the rest of us, we need proof. We need to see it before we believe it.

Sometimes that’s a matter of shifting our perspective so that we can see the evidence that already exists. We have all been successful at something at some time in our lives but often we down play it because our automatic response is to put ourselves down.

At other times we need to create new reference points of success. We need to go out there and attack our world, fail a lot and break through to success; then we have created proof that we can and our self-belief grows.

When you learn to believe in yourself, you become unstoppable. You will try things that seem impossible; you will go after things in your life that you previously had never dreamed of having or doing. People will believe in you more as a result of your own self-belief and you will get better jobs, more money, better relationships and have a better life.

Create new reference points for yourself by taking action irrelevant of your self-belief and start to notice where you have already had success in the past. Gather all the proof you can and the self- belief with improve.

Doing this on your own can be tough so if you want to learn how to believe in yourself again but have struggled a bit on your own then take advantage of your

 Free discovery call coaching session valued at $197.

Get clear on what’s been holding you back and make way for the real you to shine.

Click here to secure your place today.

Happy self loving

Katie Nicole

moreconfidence.com.au

The truth about confidence that you probably don't want to hear

In the personal development world the term “backing yourself” gets throw around a lot. People are referring to the need to believe in yourself, to have confidence and to bet on your own success.

It’s seems an easy enough thing to talk about, all you need to do is believe in yourself; the gurus make it seem so simple. When you go to apply for your new job, start out dating again or decide it’s time for you, why don’t you just take a deep breath and believe in yourself?

Like many things, it’s easier said than done. When we have been conditioned to think poorly of ourselves and had reinforcement to back up those beliefs, it can be extremely challenging to step up to the plate.

You’ve been running the story over and over in your head about why you can’t, why someone else will probably get the job and how nothing you do is ever enough.

Perhaps you’ve read self-help books, done some courses in assertiveness and tried your best to build yourself up but it is short lived, you feel pumped up for a little while only to find yourself crashing back down again; perhaps this time even lower than you were before. Like yo-yo dieting for your self-worth.

You feel depleted and lost, unsure of where to next because you’ve failed to believe in yourself; AGAIN!

When you’re trapped in this cycle, all the positive things that happen in your life are put down to luck and all the negative things are your fault. As if there is some inherent gap deep within you that means that you are to blame. When you blame yourself, you are giving your power to the circumstances, to your past and to the result.

You’re disempowered and here’s what you’re not being told.

 You think you’re busy taking so much responsibility for all the troubles in your life by beating yourself up and blaming yourself but the truth is, you’re obedient. You are pleasing everyone else around you and playing by their rules, not your own and you’re not taking any true responsibility for your life, you’re avoiding it and keeping yourself small.

You’re giving away your power by allowing others to take credit for your success and bearing the burden of all your troubles. It’s time to grow up- yeah, I just said that. GROW UP.

If the problems in your life are your “fault” then so is your success. It’s time to suck it up and own all of your results in life.  Even the little voice inside your head that’s whingeing right now says “but how?”- own that.

True responsibility is about owning your life. No one is making you stay in that shitty job. No one is forcing you to live a mediocre life. In the same vein, no one else is creating the opportunities that are appearing- that’s you.  

It’s time that we stopped acting like children and decide to take responsibility for our lives; for the wins and the lessons. It’s all yours.

Believing in yourself, backing yourself and  having great confidence begins when you decide to stop lying to yourself and own the fact that this is your life. Whether you like it or not, you got yourself here and it’s up to you to change it if it’s not working for you.

Get help, take ownership and start living life by your rules. Screw obedience, take responsibility.

Much love and happy self -loving

Katie Nicole
P.S Get your  FREE 5 Secrets to Bulletproof Confidence e-book here

Lacking confidence is holding you back at work

“ We’d love to see a bit more confidence from you”

Who’s ever heard that one? You do your job really well, your performance reviews are always good but you’re forever getting passed on for promotions.

People who  do not have the same skills as you are promoted because they are charming, their hand is in the pocket of management and they have the gift of the gab.

As try as you might to perform well at interviews, you find yourself nervous and even though you know all the right things to say, you just can’t seem to articulate it as well as you rehearsed in the car.

The well rehearsed, confident, albeit (at times) less suitable candidate trumps your performance and lands the job and you end up working for someone who couldn’t even do your job well. You end up being pressured to take on more of their role to compensate for their inability and you watch them take the credit for it.

It leaves you feeling deflated. You wonder if anyone will ever see through the shiny charisma of your (so called) new boss and realise that you’re doing their job for them; but they don’t. They don’t ever notice your work and admittedly you don’t really put yourself out there anymore.

You’re quiet in meetings. Even when you have something important to say, you keep your mouth shut in fear of the confrontation, judgement or consequences. So you just fade away, you keep your thoughts to yourself and become increasingly frustrated and jaded by the whole organisation.

You think it might be time for a new job but you know you could never put yourself out there again.

What would happen if you could turn that around? What kind of difference would it make if you were able to stand up for yourself, say your piece and get noticed?

The fear is holding you back and it’s not just at work either. Where else are you hiding? In your romantic life, relationships, health and well being and even friendships? Lack of confidence can be crippling and it is self fulfilling; when you think you’re not confident, you lose confidence.

This fear then drives your performance and tints your reality. Even when you’ve done a great job, you lack the belief to recognise it, allowing someone else to take most of the credit- yet again.

Take some action in your life. Read up on how to be more confident. Take a course in assertiveness, get a coach, watch a YouTube channel on it, anything! You can learn how to have your confidence match your true capability and finally get ahead at work.

Top tips for quick confidence:

1.       Before any important meeting or interview,  adjust your posture. Make sure your shoulders are back and your head it facing forward, not up or eyes to the ground; even and straight.
2. Use mantras to get you into state, use “All the confidence/certainty I need, is within me now.” If you have the space say it out loud then do so on repeat and really feel it; if not, do it in your head. Grow taller and stronger with each repetition
3.    Practice. In order to gain confidence you’re going to have to risk stuffing up. You’re either going to win or learn. So take a deep breath, build your certainty and give it a go.

Here’s to getting ahead at work!

Peace, Katie Nicole

For more tips and tricks on all things confidence,  follow More Confidence on social media @moreconfidence

For your free e-book, the "5 secrets to bulletproof confidence", email loveyourself@moreconfidence.com.au

Lost and living by other peoples rules

It was 2007 and I was sure that I had made it. I had been through 6 months of auditions, psych tests and hoops, I had signed the contracts and done all the promo videos all the while being advised that this did NOT mean that I would be successful.

But damn! I knew I was close. I was focusing all my attention on getting there and I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything before. I wrote affirmations for hours a day until I filled an entire notebook and then some. I visualised it, meditated on it, made it my every waking thought!

There was a burning desire in me to prove everybody wrong, to prove myself wrong if I’m really being honest. I knew I was destined for great things, I could feel that little voice deep inside my heart that told me I was worthy but nothing I did could make me believe it.

I thought this might do it, if I could just get my face out there, then everyone would know my name and my path to success and fame would have begun. I would show the world, my haters and myself that I was worthy.

It was always like that, pleasing others. Proving my worth externally. Through sex, a loud personality, martyrdom or self-deprecation (to name a few), I buried my true feeling for the approval of others.

4 days out from Big Brothers opening show and I had to face the facts. I had not made it. If I had, I would already be in lockdown. I was gutted, I had put so much time and effort and all of my heart and soul into this and here I was, lost; again!

Again, I had to look at myself and realise that I wasn’t good enough. I watched the opening show and cried (truth: balled!). I had so much of my identity tied up in what others thought and it seemed that maybe they were right after all.

I was contractually obliged to stay in the country for the duration of the show as they could call me with 24 hours’ notice to enter the house as an intruder. I was stuck in my home town watching other people live out my dream.

In those three months I came to realise just how much emphasis I had put on what others thought of me. I had been playing life by other people’s rules, standards and expectation. I was the girl that everyone expected me to be. I had created a persona of a loud party animal, helper at any cost and I realised just how lost I had become. I had no idea who I was anymore.

I never did make it in as an intruder or housemate and out of the 27 people who went in that year; I was in the top 30. Close but no such cigar. So the journey to self-love truly began.

My contract had expired and I was free to leave the country, so I took myself to Europe; for 2 years. I left behind all the expectations, the versions of myself that I no longer knew or liked and set a course to find out who I was.

Things got much worse before they got any better but what I learnt in the coming 2 years and subsequently the following decade was how to set my own rules. I learnt how to create a life that I truly wanted to live in a way that meant that I was being true to myself.

I learnt tools, strategies and techniques that allow me now to be the truest version of myself free from the fear of other people’s opinions. I have learnt how to tame the negative self-talk so that it’s default position is one of support and love.

I carved out a path for myself with a lot of mistakes, hardships and turmoil; one that very well would have been easier had I sought help sooner.

Finding yourself and getting your confidence back needn’t take you ten years but if it does, it’s still a worthwhile journey.

Here is to your self-love, may it ever grow deeper and stronger.

" In a world that profits from your self hate, self love is an act of rebellion"

Katie Nicole

P.S Join me live on Facebook this Wednesday the 19^th April ’17 to set your course to confidence and stop feeling so lost. Check the event out here.